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(410, 2, '2017-10-17 15:55:29', '2017-10-17 13:55:29', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex they will jump on it.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that neither of you is more mature than the other. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature needs their partner to be dysfunctional so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more mature partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once use to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and sometimes their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partners starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-17 15:55:29', '2017-10-17 13:55:29', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(411, 2, '2017-10-17 17:01:17', '2017-10-17 15:01:17', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex they will jump on it.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that neither of you is more mature than the other. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature needs their partner to be dysfunctional so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more mature partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once use to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and sometimes their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partners starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge rule with burrowed functioning. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really be that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The low desire partner starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that they partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-17 17:01:17', '2017-10-17 15:01:17', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(414, 2, '2017-10-20 03:00:10', '2017-10-20 01:00:10', '<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">How to Construct and Maintain it</span></b></h2>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\" align=\"center\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Once you’ve figured your </span><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/unhealthy-relationship-patterns.html\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">type of alliance</span></a><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">, it is important to understand that it <b>only takes one partner</b> to change it so that it becomes collaborative.</span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">What Is a Collaborative Alliance?</span></b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">      A collaborative alliance works out and reinforces our </span><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">4 points of balance</span></a><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">. This type of alliance requires that you see your couple as a team and that you are prepared to confront yourself and your partner when the time comes when they are not holding up to the collaborative alliance. It is the capacity for each individual to evaluate and self-criticize by taking your responsibility by promoting honesty with yourself and to your partner. </span></div>\r\n<div></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Ingredients to a Good Collaborative Alliance</span></b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify; text-indent: -18.0pt;\"></div>\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\"> </span><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -18pt;\">Taking the time to self-confront about our implication in the dynamic of the couple and your sexuality</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Not to distort the truth or retain information to manipulate our partner</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Being completely honest with our partner, even if it is at our disadvantage or difficult</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Maintain the alliance even though our partner is not</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Not letting our emotions take the best of us and focusing on what needs to be done</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Reconstructing the alliance is more important than the fact that you lost it</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Understand the reasons why and when we lose the alliance</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Confront our partner when they have dropped the alliance, by remaining open to our contribution to the loss of it</span></li>\r\n 	<li><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">A collaborative alliance tests your integrity</span></li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">\r\n\r\n</span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">     A collaborative alliance is not a reflex most people will have in a conflict, because it isn’t always advantageous and comfortable to maintain it. Although, it does show our capacity to remain loyal and our level of integrity towards our partner and ourselves. It is based on a profound friendship that obliges us to become better people and become a better partner. It allows us to surpass our biggest obstacles and build a strong foundation for a couple. </span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">     It is hard to keep a collaborative alliance, because it requires us to question ourselves at a profound level (</span><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">solid-flexible self</span></a><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">). This reflection can cause an identity crisis where we must redefine ourselves without losing our integrity. It obliges us to make very difficult decisions that determine the nature of our relationship and our future with our spouse. A collaborative alliance throws us in a very uncomfortable zone where it is necessary to confront the question of: do we want to be in this relationship. </span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Collaborative alliance and our sex lives</span></b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">      It is also present or absent from our sex life. If a person is paying attention to other things during sex and remains in that state, this person has dropped the alliance. If the other partner ignores the missing connexion, it is possible that they have a collusive alliance to avoid getting into a conflict or maybe there wasn’t even an alliance to begin with. </span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">     In a collaborative alliance, we are ready to push our level of sexual maturity to develop our erotism and maximize the intimacy we share with our partner. One dares more in sexual behaviours, because we consider our couple and our sex life to be more important than our limitations and difficulties. We take a decision to be more mature sexually and truly enjoy what sex we can have with our lover. We value ourselves and inhibitions fall to make room for our most erotic self and reach our full potential. </span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Our emotions make us lose our collaborative alliance</span></b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">     To often we let ourselves drop the alliance due to our emotions. When we feel discomfort, uncomfortable, nervous, many will just to cope out and go into one of the </span><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/unhealthy-relationship-patterns.html\"><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">other types of alliances</span></a><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">. We can let our emotions dictate our behaviours and the future of our relationships. If we were to always base our decisions on our emotions, we wouldn’t go very far in life, because at every bad emotion we might feel, we would come back to our original place. We must learn to self-sooth our emotions and face our limits to be able to reach our full capacity.</span>\r\n<span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">\r\n</span>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">\r\n</span><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">\r\n</span>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\">Francois Renaud M.A.</span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\"><a href=\"http://www.sexcoupletherapy.com/\">Sexologist &amp; Psychotherapist Montreal</a></span></span></div>\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n<div style=\"color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px;\">\r\n<div style=\"margin: 0px;\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; text-align: justify;\">* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch</span></div>\r\n</div>\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><u><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Also read:</span></u></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/04/unhealthy-couple-dynamics.html\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana;\">Normal Marital Sadism: </span></b></a></span><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Learn How to Hate Your Lover</span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Emotional Gridlock:</span></b></a><b> </b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">The Underlying Issues in Couples</span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy.html\"><b><span lang=\"EN-CA\" style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16.0pt;\">Series of articles on sexual intimacy</span></b></a></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Construct a healthier couple’s dynamic', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '50-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-20 03:00:10', '2017-10-20 01:00:10', '', 50, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/50-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(419, 2, '2017-10-20 03:02:51', '2017-10-20 01:02:51', '&nbsp;\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: large;\"><b>How Intimacy Effects Our Sexual Desire*</b></span></span></h4>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"CENTER\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: large;\"><b> </b></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">When our relationship is based on <span style=\"color: #0084d1;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">other validated intimacy</a></span>, we inevitably hit an obstacle in our sexual maturity. If we are only willing to self-disclose a part of ourselves to our partner we\'re limiting the level of intimacy the couple can share. </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<h3><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>Limiting our sexual maturity</b></span></span></h3>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><span style=\"color: #0084d1;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/01/a-lack-of-sexual-desire-is-good-for.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual desire</a></span> in a long-term relationship can be affected by a number of elements in the dynamic of a couple. First and foremost sexual desire stays alive in couples who are capable of reinventing themselves, trying new things, experimenting sexual fantasies and introducing a different dynamic in their sex lives. It\'s also people who are not afraid to look silly, laugh and can tolerate sexual awkwardness. When our couple uses other validated intimacy, we\'re afraid to do any of those things because they might bring rejection or judgment on the part of the partner, which other validated couples avoid at all cost because that hurts.</span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<h3><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>Avoid stagnation</b></span></span></h3>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">Consequently, we find couples who have stagnated in their capacity to mature sexually and a routine is instated. Nothing kills sexual desire more than being able to predict every aspect of how we are going to have sex with someone. Sexual desire exudes when there is adventure, newness, surprise and strong emotions. Routine sex is good to make you feel comfortable and loved, but it lacks the capacity to excite and bring desire towards our partners. </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<h3><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>Admire to desire</b></span></span></h3>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">Another aspect that impacts sexual desire is our capacity to tolerate vulnerabilities in ourselves and in our partner. A component of sexual desire is admiration towards the other. If there is a lack thereof, then little desire can exist between two people. How can couples be vulnerable in front of each other by admitting their mistakes, showing their issues and faults without killing the admiration they have for each other? </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">Admitting our limits takes a lot of personal strength which is admirable in itself, but there is still a step further people need to go through. After putting ourselves in that vulnerable state, it\'s important to learn from it and grow as a human being and a partner. When we witness our lover struggling at becoming a better person, we can take pride and admire being with such a man or woman. </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<h3><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>Get your sex appeal on!</b></span></span></h3>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><span style=\"color: #0084d1;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/01/relationship-patterns-and-seduction.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Seduction </a></span>is also an element that impacts sexual desire in couples. Most long-term couples tend to take for granted their partner after a while and they don\'t feel the need to seduce and flirt anymore. Seducing our partner is required if we want to keep the flames of passion between each other. Flirting allows the couple to have fun, laugh, play and sexualize their encounters, which grants the promise of sex in the near future. If we don\'t play the game, we can\'t expect to win the prize! </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">The downside of seducing our partner is that they may end up not wanting sex at the end, which can leave one partner frustrated or rejected at having put so much effort. People who <span style=\"background: transparent;\">cultivate </span>other validated intimacy will withdraw from flirting to avoid getting hurt again. Couples who are capable of validating themselves will try again and see it as a challenge to woo their partner next time. </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\">Hence, intimacy is intricately related to the level of sexual desire that will be shared between partners. We need to heighten our intimacy by cultivating our sexual development, seducing our partner and growing as a person! </span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\">Francois Renaud M.A.</span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\"><a href=\"http://www.sexcoupletherapy.com/\">Sex therapist &amp; Psychotherapist Montreal</a></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n</div>\r\n</div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>READ MORE  ON: <u>Sexual Intimacy &amp; Sexual Desire</u></b></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Redefine your Couple\'s Dynamic in Sexuality Part 1</a></u></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Two Very Different Types of Intimacy Part 2</a></u></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">The 4 Points of Balance Part 4</a></u></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><b>Other related articles:</b></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/03/why-its-hard-to-truly-commit-to-our.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Why It\'s Truly Hard to Commit to Our Relationships</a></u></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Emotional Gridlock</a></u></span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><u><span style=\"color: black;\"><span style=\"text-decoration: none;\"><span style=\"font-style: normal;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/01/a-lack-of-sexual-desire-is-good-for.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">A Lack of Sexual Desire is Good for Your Couple!</a></span></span></span></u></span></span></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: medium;\"><span style=\"color: black;\"><span style=\"text-decoration: none;\"><span style=\"font-style: normal;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2012/12/couples-communication-issues-or-unable.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?</a></span></span></span></span></span></h3>\r\n<div lang=\"en-US\" style=\"font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;\">* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch</span></div>\r\n<!-- Begin MailChimp Signup Form -->\r\n\r\n<style type=\"text/css\">\r\n	#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; }<br />	/* Add your own MailChimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block.<br />	   We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */<br /></style>\r\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup\"><form id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" class=\"validate\" action=\"//sexcoupletherapy.us8.list-manage.com/subscribe/post?u=b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d&amp;id=fd88d57b31\" method=\"post\" name=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" novalidate=\"\" target=\"_blank\">\r\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup_scroll\">\r\n<h2>Subscribe to our mailing list</h2>\r\n<div class=\"indicates-required\"><span class=\"asterisk\">*</span> indicates required</div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-EMAIL\">Email Address <span class=\"asterisk\">*</span>\r\n</label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-EMAIL\" class=\"required email\" name=\"EMAIL\" type=\"email\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-FNAME\">First Name </label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-FNAME\" class=\"\" name=\"FNAME\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-LNAME\">Last Name </label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-LNAME\" class=\"\" name=\"LNAME\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div id=\"mce-responses\" class=\"clear\"></div>\r\n<!-- real people should not fill this in and expect good things - do not remove this or risk form bot signups-->\r\n<div style=\"position: absolute; left: -5000px;\"><input tabindex=\"-1\" name=\"b_b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d_fd88d57b31\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"clear\"><input id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe\" class=\"button\" name=\"subscribe\" type=\"submit\" value=\"Subscribe\" /></div>\r\n</div>\r\n</form></div>\r\n<script type=\'text/javascript\' src=\'//s3.amazonaws.com/downloads.mailchimp.com/js/mc-validate.js\'></script><script type=\'text/javascript\'>(function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]=\'EMAIL\';ftypes[0]=\'email\';fnames[1]=\'FNAME\';ftypes[1]=\'text\';fnames[2]=\'LNAME\';ftypes[2]=\'text\';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);</script>\r\n<!--End mc_embed_signup-->', 'Sexual Intimacy &amp; Sexual Desire Part 3', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '60-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-20 03:02:51', '2017-10-20 01:02:51', '', 60, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/60-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(417, 2, '2017-10-20 03:00:39', '2017-10-20 01:00:39', '<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>How to Overcome The Issue?*</b></h2>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">Sexual desire is defined as a sexual attraction or drive towards another person with whom we want to share real or fantasized sexual activities with. There are also many different types of sexual desire that one can express. Each one brings a dynamic to the couple and each partner may not share the same types of sexual desires or even the frequency to which they want sex with their spouse.</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b>Rules of Couples</b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">In every relationship, we find a <b>H</b>igh <b>D</b>esire <b>P</b>artner (<b>HDP</b>) and a <b>L</b>ow <b>D</b>esire <b>P</b>artner (<b>LDP</b>). In other words, you always get one partner who wants more sex than the other one. These roles are interchangeable in a couple and varies during the relationship. Men and women can be in either roles and sexual orientation plays no effect on it. Normally at the beginning of a relationship, we don\'t really see any difference. As time goes by, we tend to pinpoint who initiates more often, who wants it more, who avoids or even pretends they like it. As a universal rule, the LDP is the one who controls sex, whether they want to or not. They control how, when, how often, and the why of having sex. They have this control because they are the person who wants it less, therefore they get to choose. Sometimes, this is where name calling begins between them:</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<ul type=\"disc\">\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">You’re frigid!</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">You never initiate.</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">You want it all the time!</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">I don\'t have time to build it, because you\'re always groping me</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">It\'s because you don\'t love me anymore</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">I tried everything, but nothing seems to work</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Your seeing someone else</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">…</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b>We\'re in a Relationship, We Are Suppose to Have Sex</b></h2>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">This dynamic is very frequent in couples who just don\'t know how to handle being rejected for sex. They think that after a while of being with a partner, that it sort of their partner\'s job or at least they own them some sex because they\'re a couple. Typically, the <b>H</b>igh <b>D</b>esire <b>P</b>artner (<b>HDP</b>) will start initiating more often for sex and after being rejected a multitude of times they can then become even less desirable because they put all the blame on the partner. Some will go even further and stop putting any type of effort into seducing their lover when they want sex, yet still blame their spouse.</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b>The HDP\'s Position</b></h4>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">The HDP does this to protect himself from feeling the hurt of rejection. When we\'ve been rejected on numerous occasions for sex from our partner we start to doubt our desirability. We tend to choose to put less effort into flirting with our spouse, because when we give all that we\'ve got and they still turn us down, it hurts even more. So the standard outcome is to start asking for sex from the <b>L</b>ow <b>D</b>esire <b>P</b>artner (<b>LDP</b>) rather than creating sexual desire in them by being desirable ourselves.</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: justify;\"><b>The LDP\'s Position</b></h4>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">Now at a first glance, we might think that the LDP has the better position right? They are satisfied and get the frequency of sex they want and they have the control. Which is what the HDP tells them frequently, sometimes. Not so fast! Neither position in the couple, really feels comfortable. The LDP constantly has to put their limits towards their partner and respect themselves even when sometimes being barraged with name calling. They can feel inadequate and afraid to lose their partner because of it. Sometimes, they don\'t like the sex they are having and don\'t want to hurt their partners feelings by telling them, so they try to avoid it. Most of the time, they don\'t feel they have control, because they are being bombarded by questions, accusations from their partner, which might lead them to offer <b>pity sex</b>.</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: justify;\">Most couples will not want to admit they have pity sex, but it\'s probably the most common in long-term relationships where partners haven\'t dealt properly with their HDP and LDP dynamics. An unworked sexual desire issue between spouses brings <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/unhealthy-relationship-patterns.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">alliance issues</a> into the couple. Let us look more deeply into the pity sex dynamic. It is defined as offering sex we do not want to our partner because we are afraid of losing them or we just want them to stop asking profusely for sex or to avoid another conflict about the situation. As you might imagine, pity sex is the worst type of sex you can offer and get in a relationship. It is neither fun nor pleasurable for either people. The LDP is rarely if not at all participating in this type of sexual activity, which the HDP obviously sees or feels. The LDP might even make such remarks as: «let\'s get this over with» and the like.<b>Pity Sex</b></h3>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">What is even more surprising in this situation, is not only does the LDP offer such awful sex, the HDP accepts it. Their way of thinking is: «well...if I don\'t take this...I won\'t get any at all». This is where they\'re shooting themselves in the foot. Not only is accepting pity sex from a spouse a lack of respect to themselves, it\'s a lack of respect to their partner as well. Think about it for a second: Why should your partner put any effort into sex if you\'re willing to take anything that is given to you. This lack of respect of self, makes a person truly undesirable. Second, if the partner doesn\'t feel like they\'re respected because they are seen as a piece of meat their spouse just wants to have sex with, don\'t expect them to do it for very long or even enjoy sex. This dynamic also makes the LDP feel undesirable to themselves, and therefore lacks sexual desire, because they lack integrity.</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\">Francois Renaud M.A.</span></span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\"><a href=\"http://www.sexcoupletherapy.com/\">Sex therapist &amp; Psychotherapist Montreal</a></span></span></div>\r\n<div style=\"color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px;\">\r\n<div style=\"margin: 0px;\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; text-align: justify;\">* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch</span></div>\r\n</div>\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\">READ THE NEXT CHAPTER</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: justify;\"></div>\r\n<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"color: #6fa8dc;\"><b><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Getting Yourself Together, Promotes Sexual Desire!: </span></b><span style=\"font-family: Verdana; font-size: 16pt;\">Overcoming The Fear of Rejection</span></span></a>', 'Different Levels of Sexual Desire Between Partners in a Couple', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '54-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-20 03:00:39', '2017-10-20 01:00:39', '', 54, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/54-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(423, 2, '2017-10-25 20:32:30', '2017-10-25 18:32:30', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning couples. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The low desire partner starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, they sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one. They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-25 20:32:30', '2017-10-25 18:32:30', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(424, 2, '2017-10-25 20:33:27', '2017-10-25 18:33:27', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning couples. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The low desire partner starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, they sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one. They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://www.lesexologue.ca\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sexologue psychothérapeute Montréal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://lesexologue.ca/therapie/therapie-de-couple/\">Spécialisé en thérapie de couple</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://lesexologue.ca/a-propos/\">À propos de l\'auteur</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-25 20:33:27', '2017-10-25 18:33:27', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(425, 2, '2017-10-25 20:35:52', '2017-10-25 18:35:52', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning couples. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The low desire partner starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, they sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one. They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-25 20:35:52', '2017-10-25 18:35:52', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(426, 2, '2017-10-25 20:39:55', '2017-10-25 18:39:55', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and get\'s everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational. One is frequently calm and zen while the other one cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for their emotionally unstable partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are used to having this one-up position in the relationship and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The partner who is organized isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe rational/emotional relationship is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They choose this partner because it allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning couples. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The low desire partner starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, they sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one. They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim. Take into account how you act and behave with your partner by realizing how you benefit from the current dynamic. Truly ask yourself if you are ready to let go of those advantages and accept a new model in your dynamic that will allow you to GROW with your partner. Rather than STAGNATE in a routine of frustration and conflict.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-25 20:39:55', '2017-10-25 18:39:55', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(428, 2, '2017-10-25 21:01:37', '2017-10-25 19:01:37', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I feel more emotionally mature than my partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and unbalanced. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much so, that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and gets everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational/intellectual. The latter is frequently calm and zen while the former cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for the emotional instability of their partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\"><strong>always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex</strong></a>, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are <strong>used to having this one-up position in the relationship</strong> and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The <strong>partner who is organized</strong> isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe <strong>rational/emotional relationship</strong> is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They chose this partner because it <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level</strong></a>. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">low desire partner</a> starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, the sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one (<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner</a>). They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim. Take into account how you act and behave with your partner by realizing how you benefit from the current dynamic. Truly ask yourself if you are ready to let go of those advantages and accept a new model in your dynamic that will allow you to GROW with your partner. Rather than STAGNATE in a routine of frustration and conflict.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n* Concept created by David Schnarch in his book: Intimacy and Desire', 'I function because my partner is dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-25 21:01:37', '2017-10-25 19:01:37', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(429, 2, '2017-10-30 14:57:30', '2017-10-30 13:57:30', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I Feel More Emotionally Mature Than my Partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and dysfunctional. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much so, that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and gets everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational/intellectual. The latter is frequently calm and zen while the former cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for the emotional instability of their partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\"><strong>always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex</strong></a>, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are <strong>used to having this one-up position in the relationship</strong> and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The <strong>partner who is organized</strong> isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe <strong>rational/emotional relationship</strong> is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They chose this partner because it <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level</strong></a>. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">low desire partner</a> starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, the sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one (<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner</a>). They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim. Take into account how you act and behave with your partner by realizing how you benefit from the current dynamic. Truly ask yourself if you are ready to let go of those advantages and accept a new model in your dynamic that will allow you to GROW with your partner. Rather than STAGNATE in a routine of frustration and conflict.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n* Concept created by David Schnarch in his book: Intimacy and Desire', 'I Function Because my Partner is Dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-autosave-v1', '', '', '2017-10-30 14:57:30', '2017-10-30 13:57:30', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-autosave-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(430, 2, '2017-10-30 14:56:45', '2017-10-30 13:56:45', '', 'relationship maturity', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'nathaniel-tetteh-395808-min', '', '', '2017-10-30 14:57:10', '2017-10-30 13:57:10', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2017/10/nathaniel-tetteh-395808-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(431, 2, '2017-10-30 14:57:50', '2017-10-30 13:57:50', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">I Feel More Emotionally Mature Than my Partner</h1>\r\nIn many instances in a relationship, we can feel that one of us is more emotionally mature than the other person. In couple\'s therapy, we actually get that a lot. One of the partners seems more stable and has his s**t together while the other seems distraught and dysfunctional. This can last for many years where one partner takes care of the other on numerous aspects of the relationship.\r\n<h2>Typical examples of different levels of maturity</h2>\r\n<h4>Case #1: The organizer and disorganized couple</h4>\r\nPartner one is really organized. So much so, that they do and plan everything from the cooking to the cleaning and getting the kids ready. They make all the appointments and gets everyone lined up with their schedule. They are balanced and always ready to serve others. They have little time for themselves, but that is okay because they don\'t need it. They are made strong and they impress their friends and family with the devotion and motivation to do it all.\r\n\r\nTheir partner, on the other hand, is always forgetting things and getting mixed up. They don\'t really know what to do with the kids or organize any type of social gathering. They are social people and can be the life of the party, but when it comes to planing they are nowhere to be seen. When they do try to help out or plan something, it tends to be a disappointment. They can also be needy towards their partner when it comes to sex and they tend to want it a lot.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #2: The rational and emotional partners</h4>\r\nOne partner is extremely emotional and the other is rational/intellectual. The latter is frequently calm and zen while the former cannot manage their emotions. The emotional partner wants the other to open up about their feelings and talk about themselves so they can share intimacy together. They need their partner to comfort and reassure them on a constant basis. The rational one feels the partner is a minefield of frustrations, sadness, and warmth all at the same time. They always feel like they are walking on eggshells and they are not unhappy with the relationship except for the emotional instability of their partner.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Case #3: The sex craving and the prude</h4>\r\nOne partner is really open about sex and the other is more prudish. They can\'t seem to find a common ground on what each of them wants in sex. One is very curious and adventurous as they want to try lots of things in sex such as positions and practices to playing with sex toys. The more prudish partner is considered shy or stuck up. They like emotional and romantic sex and not much else. The open partner is <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\"><strong>always ready for sex at any given time and any opportunity that their spouse is potentially willing to have sex</strong></a>, they will jump on the occasion.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Which couple are you?</h3>\r\nYou may recognize yourself in one of these couples or have your own variation of dynamic where you feel or your lover feels more mature than you do. The thing is that <strong>neither of you is more mature than the other</strong>. As a rule of thumb, partners in a long-term relationship tend to have the same emotional maturity. The balance in the relationship is kept by having one partner being the emotionally unbalanced person. This dynamic is called burrowed functioning*.\r\n<h4>Burrowed functioning</h4>\r\nAs we learn and explore our relationship we tend to develop systems with our partner. They help us cope with our insecurities and short-comings and vice-versa. This is called <strong>burrowed functioning</strong>, where the couple functions when one partner is, in appearance, more stable while the other tends to depend on the other. The partner who looks more mature <strong>needs their partner to be dysfunctional</strong> so that they can actually function.\r\n\r\nWe tend to see this a lot in therapy, where the partner who has more difficulty starts to grow and this destabilizes the more \"mature\" partner. They are <strong>used to having this one-up position in the relationship</strong> and now that they have lost it, they start questioning their role. They don\'t have their points of reference anymore and they start struggling with their self. They don\'t have the validation they once used to have and their worth as a person has diminished.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>How does it play out?</h4>\r\nLet\'s go back to our previous examples that we talked about earlier. The <strong>partner who is organized</strong> isn\'t needed anymore when their lover starts to be less dependant on them. They gained a lot of recognition from others and their spouse about being very reliant and dependable. Secretly, they feel that people would not like them if they were not needed. They keep people in this dynamic so they can feed on it, all the while complaining about their partner\'s lack of initiative.\r\n\r\nThe <strong>rational/emotional relationship</strong> is destabilized when one of them changes the dynamic. If the rational partner starts to be more emotional and opens up, it tends to create discomfort for their partner. They are so used to having an intellectual and rational partner that this new version of their spouse isn\'t natural. They chose this partner because it <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>allowed them to hide their own incapabilities of being intimate on a profound level</strong></a>. They had a barrier that protected them all along. The opposite is also possible whereas the more emotional partner who constantly sought to be reassured doesn\'t need their partner to do so, the rational partner loses his role of the protector/comforter in the relationship and is scared that they will find someone better.\r\n\r\nSexual differences in couples also play a huge role in burrowed functioning. If the partner who is more sexually oriented stops demanding sex and loses interest in the partner who has never really been that interested in sex, it creates anxiety. The <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">low desire partner</a> starts to feel undesired. They felt validated that their partner wanted them so badly. They could find it annoying or feel the pressure, but once those things are gone, you are left with another symptom. If my partner doesn\'t desire me as much, will they leave me? It is very comforting to know that your partner desires you.\r\n\r\nIf the more prudish partner becomes more sexually active, the sex craving partner loses his position as the sexual one (<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner</a>). They are not the teacher or the leader of sex but become a follower. This is a position they are normally not comfortable with. They liked having a position of authority and would always be in their comfort zone because they took the sexual dynamic where they wanted it to go. When the other partner takes charge, they have to be in elements they are not used to or are unknown to them.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship</h2>\r\nAre you willing to see your partner as an equal to yourself? Can you see yourself as an equal to them? How much value do you attribute to your partner\'s perception of yourself? Are you willing to be less dependent on your role in the relationship?\r\n\r\nThese questions are fundamental if you want to change in your relationship. If you are not willing to put the effort to better yourself and confront your own insecurities, the chances of making a better relationship are slim. Take into account how you act and behave with your partner by realizing how you benefit from the current dynamic. Truly ask yourself if you are ready to let go of those advantages and accept a new model in your dynamic that will allow you to GROW with your partner. Rather than STAGNATE in a routine of frustration and conflict.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n* Concept created by David Schnarch in his book: Intimacy and Desire', 'I Function Because my Partner is Dysfunctional', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '406-revision-v1', '', '', '2017-10-30 14:57:50', '2017-10-30 13:57:50', '', 406, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2017/10/406-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(434, 2, '2018-02-17 17:34:16', '2018-02-17 16:34:16', '', 'OUR SEX THERAPISTS', '', 'publish', 'closed', 'closed', '', 'our-sex-therapists', '', '', '2018-05-15 22:34:25', '2018-05-15 20:34:25', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=434', 2, 'nav_menu_item', '', 0),
(436, 2, '2018-04-16 20:42:12', '2018-04-16 18:42:12', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\r\n\r\n<h1>Great Sex Requires Effort</h1>\r\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bits and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire after a few years? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Your Sex Mountain and its Summit</h2>\r\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\">We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see.</a> We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\r\n\r\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\r\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\r\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negative messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\r\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horns and climbing those hikes on our sex-mountain that are more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\r\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\r\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome. <strong>#Challengeaccepted!</strong> First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexual creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humorous, playful hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\r\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\r\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\r\n 	<li>Look at your partner in the eyes for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\r\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\r\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\r\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were you confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\r\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex is Like Climbing a Mountain Top', '', 'publish', 'open', 'open', '', 'sex-like-climbing-mountain-top', '', '', '2018-05-09 19:50:34', '2018-05-09 17:50:34', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=436', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(438, 2, '2018-04-16 18:14:08', '2018-04-16 16:14:08', '', 'better sex', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', '28701619_10157709057519815_7228655826012312646_o-min', '', '', '2018-04-16 18:14:22', '2018-04-16 16:14:22', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/04/28701619_10157709057519815_7228655826012312646_o-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(437, 2, '2018-04-16 18:12:50', '2018-04-16 16:12:50', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\r\n\r\n<h1>Great sex requires effort</h1>\r\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bit and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>The sex mountain and its summit</h2>\r\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see. We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\r\n\r\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\r\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\r\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negatives messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\r\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horn and climbing those hikes on our mountain that hare more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort and pleasure zones that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\r\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\r\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome #challengeaccepted! First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexuality creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humor, hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\r\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\r\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\r\n 	<li>Look at your partner for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\r\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\r\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\r\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were your confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasure that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\r\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.', 'Sex is like climbing a mountain top', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '436-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-04-16 18:12:50', '2018-04-16 16:12:50', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/436-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(439, 2, '2018-04-16 18:46:06', '2018-04-16 16:46:06', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\r\n\r\n<h1>Great sex requires effort</h1>\r\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bit and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>The sex mountain and its summit</h2>\r\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see. We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\r\n\r\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\r\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\r\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negatives messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\r\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horn and climbing those hikes on our mountain that hare more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort and pleasure zones that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\r\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\r\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome #challengeaccepted! First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexuality creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humor, hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\r\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\r\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\r\n 	<li>Look at your partner for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\r\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\r\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\r\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were your confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasure that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\r\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex is like climbing a mountain top', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '436-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-04-16 18:46:06', '2018-04-16 16:46:06', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/436-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(440, 2, '2018-04-16 20:42:12', '2018-04-16 18:42:12', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\r\n\r\n<h1>Great Sex Requires Effort</h1>\r\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bits and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire after a few years? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Your Sex Mountain and its Summit</h2>\r\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\">We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see.</a> We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\r\n\r\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\r\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\r\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negative messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\r\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horns and climbing those hikes on our sex-mountain that are more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort and pleasure zones that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\r\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\r\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome. <strong>#Challengeaccepted!</strong> First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexuality creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humorous, playful hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\r\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\r\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\r\n 	<li>Look at your partner in the eyes for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\r\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\r\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\r\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were you confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasure that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\r\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex is Like Climbing a Mountain Top', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '436-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-04-16 20:42:12', '2018-04-16 18:42:12', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/436-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(441, 2, '2018-04-17 17:22:50', '2018-04-17 15:22:50', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\n\n<h1>Great Sex Requires Effort</h1>\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bits and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\n\n&nbsp;\n\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire after a few years? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>Your Sex Mountain and its Summit</h2>\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\">We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see.</a> We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\n\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\n\n<hr />\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\n\n\n<hr />\n\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negative messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horns and climbing those hikes on our sex-mountain that are more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\n\n<hr />\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\n\n\n<hr />\n\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome. <strong>#Challengeaccepted!</strong> First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexual creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\n<ul>\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humorous, playful hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\n 	<li>Look at your partner in the eyes for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\n</ul>\n&nbsp;\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were you confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.\n\n&nbsp;\n\n<hr />\n\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\n\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\n\n<hr />\n\n&nbsp;', 'Sex is Like Climbing a Mountain Top', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '436-autosave-v1', '', '', '2018-04-17 17:22:50', '2018-04-17 15:22:50', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/436-autosave-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(442, 2, '2018-04-17 17:22:52', '2018-04-17 15:22:52', '<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Photo by <a href=\"http://arianneclement.com\">arianneclement.com</a></p>\r\n\r\n<h1>Great Sex Requires Effort</h1>\r\nNothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans...well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bits and pieces of that other person\'s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\nSo why doesn\'t that last in long-term relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire after a few years? <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Sexual redundancy</a>, predictability, <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/emotional-gridlock.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">recurring and unresolved conflicts</a> are the main reasons for such issues.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Your Sex Mountain and its Summit</h2>\r\nWe can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous to impossible to climb. The easy hikes are the ones we normally pick first. <strong>The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have. </strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\">We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see.</a> We want to avoid rejection, so we don\'t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.\r\n\r\nThere comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again. <strong>We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex. </strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">low desire partner</a>.  This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection &amp; lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting more from sex</h3>\r\nTo explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or hikes we didn\'t even think possible.  <strong>This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex. </strong><strong> </strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix </strong><strong>for</strong><strong> satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\"></h3>\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self</h3>\r\nSometimes, we don\'t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negative messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain. <strong>Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse. </strong>When I ask the question why can\'t both be the same: they all fear their partner\'s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?</h2>\r\nFeeling discomfort and sexuality normally don\'t make a great mix for satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don\'t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horns and climbing those hikes on our sex-mountain that are more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\nIf you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview\r\n<h3>So, what is it that we have to do?</h3>\r\nLife as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome. <strong>#Challengeaccepted!</strong> First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your sexual creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Try new ways of flirting and seducing each other to initiate sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Experiment with different attitudes when having sex such as sexy, humorous, playful hard, soft, tender, loving, etc.</li>\r\n 	<li>If you tend to be the lovy dovy type, try a more dirty and ferocious sex type. The opposite is also true</li>\r\n 	<li>Open the lights and your eyes</li>\r\n 	<li>Look at your partner in the eyes for prolonged periods while having sex</li>\r\n 	<li>Focus on feeling connected to your partner, not just exchanging orgasms with them</li>\r\n 	<li>Take the time to pleasure and not just get sexually aroused by doing sexual techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Share your sexual fantasies</li>\r\n 	<li>Be spontaneous and surprise your partner (it might be hard, but not impossible)</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Increasing our intimacy is discomforting</h3>\r\nYou might have guessed it at this point that sex as an adult isn\'t always fun and pleasurable. You will have to live through the same discomfort that you had when you first had sex in your teenage years. Remember that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable with your partner. Remember the first time you got naked in front of them, that you gave them or received oral sex? Were you confident and fully relaxed? Probably not! <strong>Do you remember that you also got over it and started enjoying sex more over time and becoming better at it? It is now time to go through the process again with your erotism and sensuality. </strong>You will have to redefine yourself as a sexual person and your sexual preferences. It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It\'s to find new comfort zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>Learning to manage discomfort</h4>\r\nTime and experimentation will attenuate your feelings of sexual incompetence and pleasure will <strong>slowly</strong> set in to replace it. Once again, it is important not to force the other person or not to respects one\'s self, but to requestion what blocks us from truly enjoying sex. Learning about our sexual self and our partner\'s sexuality is a process that is laborious and creates difficult emotions to manage. Just like the mountain metaphor, giving ourselves the chance to confront the obstacles on our paths gives us the opportunity to <strong>REACH NEW HEIGHTS</strong> we never thought possible.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex is Like Climbing a Mountain Top', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '436-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-04-17 17:22:52', '2018-04-17 15:22:52', '', 436, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/436-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(444, 2, '2018-05-17 17:41:17', '2018-05-17 15:41:17', '<h1>What gets you turned on during sex?</h1>\r\nIf you consult a <strong>sex therapist psychotherapist</strong>, chances are you are going to get that question asked. It might seem intrusive, intimidating, uncomfortable to answer this to someone you have barely known for a couple of hours. A lot of the times, we aren\'t quite sure what to answer or know what is the \"right\" answer that our sex therapist wants to hear to be considered normal.\r\n\r\nIt is often what I hear in my office: \"Well..euh! Not abnormal..euh. You know the traditional, typical things, but nothing too boring.\" Afraid of being judged about our sexual fantasies and preferences is a common thing in individuals. We fear what others might think about what gets us turned on.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Why even ask the question?</h2>\r\nSexual preferences say quite a lot about a person and their sexuality. It shows how you love and want to be loved. It gives a peek at some of your insecurities and emotional scars. It demonstrates your strengths and your difficulties in your sexuality as well as resistances. It gives hints on the sexual education you received while growing up.\r\n\r\nEverything that would put a person at ease to answer the question..right? Obviously, it is not meant to judge negatively a person but to point out where they might need help to have a more fulfilling sex life.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Tell me how you make love and I will tell you how you were loved!\"</strong></p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">-Ester Perel</p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">By itself, a sexual fantasy doesn\'t say much about a person. What is significant is how you contextualize the situation and what gets you specifically turned on. The <strong>sex therapist</strong> psychotherapist will give remarks and reflect certain observations that could potentially be detrimental to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed with our sexual experiences and relationship dynamics we\'ve had in the past. We tend to erotize our emotional wounds and triumphs.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Our sexual imagination is an area where we have total control over and get to freely explore all of our sexuality, without danger. A space that no one has access to unless we give it to them.</p>\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Should we share our sexual fantasies with our partner?</h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Even among <strong>sex therapist, </strong>we don\'t all agree on the answer to that question. Some will suggest keeping it a secret to instill mystery into the relationship. Others will suggest to only divulge the ones we are comfortable with our partner knowing. Which brings the following questions into play:</p>\r\n\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really be honest and fully authentic if we refuse to disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really say that our partner truly knows us sexually if we hide or refrain from showing parts of our sexuality?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">What purpose does keeping these <strong>sexual fantasies</strong> to ourselves really do?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Could we potentially harm a relationship and our sex life if we do divulge the precious information?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\"A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">It is quite obvious that divulging our sexual fantasies can bring about a bundle of emotions as previously mentioned. Human beings have 2 fundamental desires that are opposites. We want to be known and share our most inner thoughts and feelings but we also want to be accepted and part of a group. Both of these desires can be congruent in certain aspects, but a lot of the times especially with fantasies it comes with a risk of not being accepted and loved. We want so much to share with our spouse who we are, but the risk of rejection is too great.</p>\r\n\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\">Intimacy at is most profound</h2>\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy here is defined as person self-disclosing to a sexual partner and discovers a new information about us. When we disclose, we are always taking a risk that the other will appreciate us less, will reject us or refuse to accept this part of us.  <strong>A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known!</strong>\r\n<h3>The image about ourselves that we project onto others</h3>\r\nTo feel accepted, we filter information that we offer to be seen in a positive light. We hide our faults or parts of our sexuality that create shame. We give more value to other peoples opinions about our personal worth than our own perception of our sexual fantasies and preferences. An <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-3.html\"><strong>intimacy that is validated by others</strong></a> forces us to share only the things that will be accepted and loved. This stagnates our sexuality as we are contrived by these false limitations we impose on ourselves and accept boundaries that hinder our pleasure.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Vomiting our intimacy</h3>\r\nSharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic isn\'t disclosing everything all at once to be accepted. That is what I call <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>vomiting your intimacy</strong></a> rather than sharing yourself with someone. There are advantages to not sharing everything all at once, as it allows to maintain an aura of mystery and newness about our sexuality in a long-term relationship with a partner. <strong>Behind vomiting our intimacy, there is a hidden objective to be fully and completely accepted immediately from the other person.</strong> This allows avoiding committing and getting attached to someone who will reject us in the future.\r\n\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy should be seen as a moment of vulnerability where it will not necessarily be a <strong>safe space</strong>. Our partner can react joyfully about your sexual preference or they may not. You will only know if you take the risk to be known by them. We also have to understand that our partner\'s reaction to our sexual fantasies speaks more about them than our self-worth. It will speak more about there own sexual issues and blockage.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>So what do you like in bed?</h3>\r\nNext time someone asks you the question, how will you answer? Will you be able to appreciate your sexuality enough to feel completely free to divulge the most intimate parts of your sexuality? Will you continue to filter information to avoid rejection and try to maintain the image that others accept more easily?\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />', 'Share your fantasies with me my DARLING!', '', 'publish', 'open', 'open', '', 'sexual-fantasies', '', '', '2018-05-18 16:39:12', '2018-05-18 14:39:12', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=444', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(445, 2, '2018-05-15 20:53:32', '2018-05-15 18:53:32', '<h1>What gets your turn on during sex?</h1>\r\nIf you consult a <strong>sex therapist psychotherapist</strong>, chances are you are going to get that question asked. It might seem intrusive, intimidating, uncomfortable to answer this to someone you have barely known for a couple of hours. A lot of the times, we aren\'t quite sure what to answer or know what the \"right\" answer that our sex therapist wants to hear so be considered normal.\r\n\r\nIt is often what I hear in my office: \"Well..euh! Not abnormal..euh. You know the traditional, typical things, but nothing too boring. Being afraid of being judge about our sexual fantasies and preferences is a common thing in individuals. We fear what others might think about what gets us turned on.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Why even ask the question?</h2>\r\nSexual preferences say quite a lot about a person and their sexuality. It shows how you love and want to be loved. It gives a peek at some of your insecurities and emotional scars. It demonstrates your strengths and your difficulties in your sexuality as well as resistance. It gives hints on the sexual education you received while growing up. Everything that would put a person at ease to answer the question..right? Obviously, it is not meant to judge negatively a person but to point out where you might need help to have a more fulfilling sex life.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Tell me how you make love and I will tell you how you were loved!\"</strong></p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">-Ester Perel</p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">By itself, a sexual fantasy doesn\'t say much about a person. What is significant is how you contextualize the situation and what gets you specifically turned on. The <strong>sex therapist</strong> psychotherapist will give remarks and reflect certain observations that could potentially be detrimental to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed on our sexual experiences and relationship dynamics we\'ve had in the past. We tend to erotize our emotional wounds and triumphs. Our sexual imagination is an area where we have total control over and get freely explore all of our sexuality, without danger. A space that no one has access to unless we give it to them.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"></p>\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Should we share our sexual fantasies with our partner?</h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Even among <strong>sex therapist, </strong>we don\'t all agree on the answer to that question. Some will suggest keeping it a secret to instill mystery into the relationship. Others will suggest to only divulge the ones you are comfortable with your partner knowing.</p>\r\n\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really be honest and fully authentic if we refuse to disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really say that our partner truly knows us sexually if we hide of refrain from showing part of our sexuality?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">What purpose does keeping these <strong>sexual fantasies</strong> to ourselves really do?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Could we potentially harm a relationship and our sex life if we do divulge the precious information?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\"A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">It is quite obvious that divulging our sexual fantasies can bring about a bundle of emotions as previously mentioned. Human beings have 2 fundamental desires that are opposites. We want to be known and share our most inner thoughts and feelings but we also want to be accepted and part of a group. Both of these desires can be congruent in certain aspects, but a lot of the times especially with fantasies it comes with a risk of not being accepted and loved. We want so much to share with our spouse who we are, but the risk of rejection is too great.</p>\r\n\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\">Intimacy at is most profound</h2>\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy here is defined as person self-disclosing where our partner discovers a new information about us. When we disclose, we are always taking a risk that the other will appreciate us less, will reject us or refuse to accept this part of us.  A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known!\r\n<h3>The image that we project onto others about ourselves</h3>\r\nTo feel accepted, we filter information that we offer to be seen in a positive light. We hide our faults or parts of our sexuality that create shame.\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"></p>', 'Share your fantasies with me my DARLING!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '444-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-05-15 20:53:32', '2018-05-15 18:53:32', '', 444, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/05/444-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(455, 2, '2018-09-18 19:58:14', '2018-09-18 17:58:14', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner (HDP)</a> and a l<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">ow desire partner (LDP)</a>. These <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\">positions in the dynamic</a> play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">want to be wanted</span> by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them.\r\n\r\nTo avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/sex-like-climbing-mountain-top.html\">pity sex</a>.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse in return.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. <strong>They just don\'t want to want</strong>. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about desiring someone as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\">It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.</a>\r\n<h3>How can you want to want and not just want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other. You take the risk of wanting more than your partner. You don\'t seek sex to gain validation but to show who you are.\r\n\r\nWhen your spouse doesn\'t share the same desire then you, it doesn\'t feel like a rejection of self. You don\'t get angry or feel hurt, you accept that they don\'t share at that particular moment the same desire as you. If your partner doesn\'t want to eat the same food as you at the restaurant or watch the same movie or read the same book...do you feel rejected or hurt? Most likely not! So why get so upset that they don\'t want to have sex that night? Why is your partner\'s lack of sexual desire a reflection of your level of desirability?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li><strong>Do you feel that your sexual advances are inviting?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you offering something interesting or just taking?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Would you have sex with yourself?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you an enjoyable sexual partner?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you predictable or creative in your sexual overture and style?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>When is the last time you took a risk?</strong></li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>What can I do if my partner doesn\'t want to want, but I do?</h3>\r\nAsk yourself this question before figuring it out: What does it say <em><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>about you</strong> </span></em>that you chose to remain with a partner that doesn\'t want to want [you]? If you feel that you\'ve really put some effort into this relationship and you\'ve been acting like a desirable partner should, then maybe you should ask yourself if you still want this person and this relationship.\r\n\r\nThis is a very hard decision to put into action especially in certain circumstances and in very long-term relationships where you invested a lot. You may also choose to stay in the relationship knowing you are with a person who doesn\'t want to want. No matter what your choice is, you are the one who lives with the consequences and you can sometimes only choose one of the options.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'publish', 'open', 'open', '', 'i-want-to-be-wanted', '', '', '2018-09-18 19:58:14', '2018-09-18 17:58:14', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=455', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(447, 2, '2018-05-16 20:08:53', '2018-05-16 18:08:53', '', 'sexual fantasy', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'fantasme-homme-min', '', '', '2018-05-16 20:09:19', '2018-05-16 18:09:19', '', 444, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/05/fantasme-homme-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(448, 2, '2018-05-16 20:27:43', '2018-05-16 18:27:43', '<h1>What gets your turn on during sex?</h1>\r\nIf you consult a <strong>sex therapist psychotherapist</strong>, chances are you are going to get that question asked. It might seem intrusive, intimidating, uncomfortable to answer this to someone you have barely known for a couple of hours. A lot of the times, we aren\'t quite sure what to answer or know what the \"right\" answer that our sex therapist wants to hear so be considered normal.\r\n\r\nIt is often what I hear in my office: \"Well..euh! Not abnormal..euh. You know the traditional, typical things, but nothing too boring. Being afraid of being judge about our sexual fantasies and preferences is a common thing in individuals. We fear what others might think about what gets us turned on.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Why even ask the question?</h2>\r\nSexual preferences say quite a lot about a person and their sexuality. It shows how you love and want to be loved. It gives a peek at some of your insecurities and emotional scars. It demonstrates your strengths and your difficulties in your sexuality as well as resistance. It gives hints on the sexual education you received while growing up. Everything that would put a person at ease to answer the question..right? Obviously, it is not meant to judge negatively a person but to point out where you might need help to have a more fulfilling sex life.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Tell me how you make love and I will tell you how you were loved!\"</strong></p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">-Ester Perel</p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">By itself, a sexual fantasy doesn\'t say much about a person. What is significant is how you contextualize the situation and what gets you specifically turned on. The <strong>sex therapist</strong> psychotherapist will give remarks and reflect certain observations that could potentially be detrimental to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed on our sexual experiences and relationship dynamics we\'ve had in the past. We tend to erotize our emotional wounds and triumphs. Our sexual imagination is an area where we have total control over and get freely explore all of our sexuality, without danger. A space that no one has access to unless we give it to them.</p>\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Should we share our sexual fantasies with our partner?</h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Even among <strong>sex therapist, </strong>we don\'t all agree on the answer to that question. Some will suggest keeping it a secret to instill mystery into the relationship. Others will suggest to only divulge the ones you are comfortable with your partner knowing.</p>\r\n\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really be honest and fully authentic if we refuse to disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really say that our partner truly knows us sexually if we hide of refrain from showing part of our sexuality?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">What purpose does keeping these <strong>sexual fantasies</strong> to ourselves really do?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Could we potentially harm a relationship and our sex life if we do divulge the precious information?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\"A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">It is quite obvious that divulging our sexual fantasies can bring about a bundle of emotions as previously mentioned. Human beings have 2 fundamental desires that are opposites. We want to be known and share our most inner thoughts and feelings but we also want to be accepted and part of a group. Both of these desires can be congruent in certain aspects, but a lot of the times especially with fantasies it comes with a risk of not being accepted and loved. We want so much to share with our spouse who we are, but the risk of rejection is too great.</p>\r\n\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\">Intimacy at is most profound</h2>\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy here is defined as person self-disclosing where our partner discovers a new information about us. When we disclose, we are always taking a risk that the other will appreciate us less, will reject us or refuse to accept this part of us.  A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known!\r\n<h3>The image that we project onto others about ourselves</h3>\r\nTo feel accepted, we filter information that we offer to be seen in a positive light. We hide our faults or parts of our sexuality that create shame. We give more value to other peoples opinions about our personal worth than our own perception of our sexual fantasies and preferences. An <strong>intimacy that is validated by others</strong> forces us to share only the things that will be accepted and loved. This stagnates our sexuality as we are contrived by these false limitations we impose on ourselves and accept boundaries that hinder our pleasure.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Vomiting our intimacy</h3>\r\nSharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic isn\'t disclosing everything all at once to be accepted. That is what I call <strong>vomiting your intimacy</strong> rather than sharing yourself with someone. There are advantages to not sharing everything all at once, as it allows to maintain an aura of mystery and newness about our sexuality in a long-term relationship with a partner. Behind vomiting our intimacy, there is a hidden objective to be fully and completely accepted immediately from the other person. This allows avoiding committing and getting attached to someone who will reject us in the future.\r\n\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy should be seen as a moment of vulnerability where it will not necessarily be a safe space. Our partner can react joyfully about your sexual preference or they may not. You will only know if you take the risk to be known by them. We also have to understand that our partner\'s reaction to our sexual fantasies speaks more about them than our self-worth. It will speak more about there own sexual issues and blockage.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>So what do you like in bed?</h3>\r\nNext time someone asks you the question, how will you answer? Will you be able to appreciate your sexuality enought to feel completly free to divulge the most intimate parts of your sexuality? Will you continue to filter information to avoid rejection and try to maintain the image that others accept?', 'Share your fantasies with me my DARLING!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '444-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-05-16 20:27:43', '2018-05-16 18:27:43', '', 444, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/05/444-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(449, 2, '2018-05-16 20:56:30', '2018-05-16 18:56:30', '<h1>What gets your turn on during sex?</h1>\r\nIf you consult a <strong>sex therapist psychotherapist</strong>, chances are you are going to get that question asked. It might seem intrusive, intimidating, uncomfortable to answer this to someone you have barely known for a couple of hours. A lot of the times, we aren\'t quite sure what to answer or know what the \"right\" answer that our sex therapist wants to hear so be considered normal.\r\n\r\nIt is often what I hear in my office: \"Well..euh! Not abnormal..euh. You know the traditional, typical things, but nothing too boring. Afraid of being judged about our sexual fantasies and preferences is a common thing in individuals. We fear what others might think about what gets us turned on.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Why even ask the question?</h2>\r\nSexual preferences say quite a lot about a person and their sexuality. It shows how you love and want to be loved. It gives a peek at some of your insecurities and emotional scars. It demonstrates your strengths and your difficulties in your sexuality as well as resistance. It gives hints on the sexual education you received while growing up. Everything that would put a person at ease to answer the question..right? Obviously, it is not meant to judge negatively a person but to point out where you might need help to have a more fulfilling sex life.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Tell me how you make love and I will tell you how you were loved!\"</strong></p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">-Ester Perel</p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">By itself, a sexual fantasy doesn\'t say much about a person. What is significant is how you contextualize the situation and what gets you specifically turned on. The <strong>sex therapist</strong> psychotherapist will give remarks and reflect certain observations that could potentially be detrimental to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed on our sexual experiences and relationship dynamics we\'ve had in the past. We tend to erotize our emotional wounds and triumphs. Our sexual imagination is an area where we have total control over and get freely explore all of our sexuality, without danger. A space that no one has access to unless we give it to them.</p>\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Should we share our sexual fantasies with our partner?</h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Even among <strong>sex therapist, </strong>we don\'t all agree on the answer to that question. Some will suggest keeping it a secret to instill mystery into the relationship. Others will suggest to only divulge the ones you are comfortable with your partner knowing.</p>\r\n\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really be honest and fully authentic if we refuse to disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really say that our partner truly knows us sexually if we hide of refrain from showing part of our sexuality?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">What purpose does keeping these <strong>sexual fantasies</strong> to ourselves really do?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Could we potentially harm a relationship and our sex life if we do divulge the precious information?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\"A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">It is quite obvious that divulging our sexual fantasies can bring about a bundle of emotions as previously mentioned. Human beings have 2 fundamental desires that are opposites. We want to be known and share our most inner thoughts and feelings but we also want to be accepted and part of a group. Both of these desires can be congruent in certain aspects, but a lot of the times especially with fantasies it comes with a risk of not being accepted and loved. We want so much to share with our spouse who we are, but the risk of rejection is too great.</p>\r\n\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\">Intimacy at is most profound</h2>\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy here is defined as person self-disclosing where our partner discovers a new information about us. When we disclose, we are always taking a risk that the other will appreciate us less, will reject us or refuse to accept this part of us.  A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known!\r\n<h3>The image that we project onto others about ourselves</h3>\r\nTo feel accepted, we filter information that we offer to be seen in a positive light. We hide our faults or parts of our sexuality that create shame. We give more value to other peoples opinions about our personal worth than our own perception of our sexual fantasies and preferences. An <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-3.html\"><strong>intimacy that is validated by others</strong></a> forces us to share only the things that will be accepted and loved. This stagnates our sexuality as we are contrived by these false limitations we impose on ourselves and accept boundaries that hinder our pleasure.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Vomiting our intimacy</h3>\r\nSharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic isn\'t disclosing everything all at once to be accepted. That is what I call <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>vomiting your intimacy</strong></a> rather than sharing yourself with someone. There are advantages to not sharing everything all at once, as it allows to maintain an aura of mystery and newness about our sexuality in a long-term relationship with a partner. Behind vomiting our intimacy, there is a hidden objective to be fully and completely accepted immediately from the other person. This allows avoiding committing and getting attached to someone who will reject us in the future.\r\n\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy should be seen as a moment of vulnerability where it will not necessarily be a safe space. Our partner can react joyfully about your sexual preference or they may not. You will only know if you take the risk to be known by them. We also have to understand that our partner\'s reaction to our sexual fantasies speaks more about them than our self-worth. It will speak more about there own sexual issues and blockage.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>So what do you like in bed?</h3>\r\nNext time someone asks you the question, how will you answer? Will you be able to appreciate your sexuality enought to feel completly free to divulge the most intimate parts of your sexuality? Will you continue to filter information to avoid rejection and try to maintain the image that others accept?\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />', 'Share your fantasies with me my DARLING!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '444-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-05-16 20:56:30', '2018-05-16 18:56:30', '', 444, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/05/444-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(450, 2, '2018-05-17 17:41:17', '2018-05-17 15:41:17', '<h1>What gets you turned on during sex?</h1>\r\nIf you consult a <strong>sex therapist psychotherapist</strong>, chances are you are going to get that question asked. It might seem intrusive, intimidating, uncomfortable to answer this to someone you have barely known for a couple of hours. A lot of the times, we aren\'t quite sure what to answer or know what is the \"right\" answer that our sex therapist wants to hear to be considered normal.\r\n\r\nIt is often what I hear in my office: \"Well..euh! Not abnormal..euh. You know the traditional, typical things, but nothing too boring.\" Afraid of being judged about our sexual fantasies and preferences is a common thing in individuals. We fear what others might think about what gets us turned on.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Why even ask the question?</h2>\r\nSexual preferences say quite a lot about a person and their sexuality. It shows how you love and want to be loved. It gives a peek at some of your insecurities and emotional scars. It demonstrates your strengths and your difficulties in your sexuality as well as resistances. It gives hints on the sexual education you received while growing up.\r\n\r\nEverything that would put a person at ease to answer the question..right? Obviously, it is not meant to judge negatively a person but to point out where they might need help to have a more fulfilling sex life.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\" Tell me how you make love and I will tell you how you were loved!\"</strong></p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">-Ester Perel</p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">By itself, a sexual fantasy doesn\'t say much about a person. What is significant is how you contextualize the situation and what gets you specifically turned on. The <strong>sex therapist</strong> psychotherapist will give remarks and reflect certain observations that could potentially be detrimental to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed with our sexual experiences and relationship dynamics we\'ve had in the past. We tend to erotize our emotional wounds and triumphs.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Our sexual imagination is an area where we have total control over and get to freely explore all of our sexuality, without danger. A space that no one has access to unless we give it to them.</p>\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: left;\">Should we share our sexual fantasies with our partner?</h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Even among <strong>sex therapist, </strong>we don\'t all agree on the answer to that question. Some will suggest keeping it a secret to instill mystery into the relationship. Others will suggest to only divulge the ones we are comfortable with our partner knowing. Which brings the following questions into play:</p>\r\n\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really be honest and fully authentic if we refuse to disclose our sexual fantasies to our partner?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Can we really say that our partner truly knows us sexually if we hide or refrain from showing parts of our sexuality?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">What purpose does keeping these <strong>sexual fantasies</strong> to ourselves really do?</li>\r\n 	<li style=\"text-align: left;\">Could we potentially harm a relationship and our sex life if we do divulge the precious information?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>\"A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known\"</strong></p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">It is quite obvious that divulging our sexual fantasies can bring about a bundle of emotions as previously mentioned. Human beings have 2 fundamental desires that are opposites. We want to be known and share our most inner thoughts and feelings but we also want to be accepted and part of a group. Both of these desires can be congruent in certain aspects, but a lot of the times especially with fantasies it comes with a risk of not being accepted and loved. We want so much to share with our spouse who we are, but the risk of rejection is too great.</p>\r\n\r\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\">Intimacy at is most profound</h2>\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy here is defined as person self-disclosing to a sexual partner and discovers a new information about us. When we disclose, we are always taking a risk that the other will appreciate us less, will reject us or refuse to accept this part of us.  <strong>A person who fully accepts and can assert freely their sexuality in all of its forms will prefer to be rejected than to live a life without being truly known!</strong>\r\n<h3>The image about ourselves that we project onto others</h3>\r\nTo feel accepted, we filter information that we offer to be seen in a positive light. We hide our faults or parts of our sexuality that create shame. We give more value to other peoples opinions about our personal worth than our own perception of our sexual fantasies and preferences. An <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-3.html\"><strong>intimacy that is validated by others</strong></a> forces us to share only the things that will be accepted and loved. This stagnates our sexuality as we are contrived by these false limitations we impose on ourselves and accept boundaries that hinder our pleasure.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Vomiting our intimacy</h3>\r\nSharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic isn\'t disclosing everything all at once to be accepted. That is what I call <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html\"><strong>vomiting your intimacy</strong></a> rather than sharing yourself with someone. There are advantages to not sharing everything all at once, as it allows to maintain an aura of mystery and newness about our sexuality in a long-term relationship with a partner. <strong>Behind vomiting our intimacy, there is a hidden objective to be fully and completely accepted immediately from the other person.</strong> This allows avoiding committing and getting attached to someone who will reject us in the future.\r\n\r\nSharing a sexual fantasy should be seen as a moment of vulnerability where it will not necessarily be a <strong>safe space</strong>. Our partner can react joyfully about your sexual preference or they may not. You will only know if you take the risk to be known by them. We also have to understand that our partner\'s reaction to our sexual fantasies speaks more about them than our self-worth. It will speak more about there own sexual issues and blockage.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>So what do you like in bed?</h3>\r\nNext time someone asks you the question, how will you answer? Will you be able to appreciate your sexuality enough to feel completely free to divulge the most intimate parts of your sexuality? Will you continue to filter information to avoid rejection and try to maintain the image that others accept more easily?\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n<hr />', 'Share your fantasies with me my DARLING!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '444-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-05-17 17:41:17', '2018-05-17 15:41:17', '', 444, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/05/444-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(456, 2, '2018-08-15 18:59:44', '2018-08-15 16:59:44', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire and the lack of it in long-term relationships</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability. It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validations from other.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). This positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. They might actually want to be wanted by their partner, more than desire sex per se. When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning the level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them. To avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get that validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire isn\'t answered or rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. They just don\'t want to want. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears that they will live the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stop, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that they initiate to often.', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-08-15 18:59:44', '2018-08-15 16:59:44', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/08/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(457, 2, '2018-08-15 23:00:24', '2018-08-15 21:00:24', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire and the lack of it in long-term relationships</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from other.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). These positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually want to be wanted by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them. To avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire isn\'t answered or is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. They just don\'t want to want. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stop, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that they initiate to often.', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-08-15 23:00:24', '2018-08-15 21:00:24', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/08/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(458, 2, '2018-08-17 20:54:33', '2018-08-17 18:54:33', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire and the lack of it</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). These positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually want to be wanted by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them. To avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire isn\'t answered or is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. They just don\'t want to want. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about it as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.\r\n<h3>How do you want to want and not want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-08-17 20:54:33', '2018-08-17 18:54:33', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/08/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(460, 2, '2018-09-17 18:59:03', '2018-09-17 16:59:03', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). These positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">want to be wanted</span> by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them. To avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse in return.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. <strong>They just don\'t want to want</strong>. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about desiring someone as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.\r\n<h3>How can you want to want and not just want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other. You take the risk of wanting more than your partner. You don\'t seek sex to gain validation but to show who you are.\r\n\r\nWhen your spouse doesn\'t share the same desire then you, it doesn\'t feel like a rejection of self. You don\'t get angry or feel hurt, you accept that they don\'t share at that particular moment the same desire as you. If your partner doesn\'t want to eat the same food as you at the restaurant or watch the same movie or read the same book...do you feel rejected or hurt? Most likely not! So why get so upset that they don\'t want to have sex that night? Why is your partner\'s lack of sexual desire a reflection of your level of desirability?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Do you feel that your sexual advances are inviting?</li>\r\n 	<li>Are your offering something or just taking?</li>\r\n 	<li>Would you have sex with yourself?</li>\r\n 	<li>Are you an enjoyable sexual partner?</li>\r\n 	<li>Are you predictable or creative in your sexual overture and style?</li>\r\n 	<li>When is the last time you took a risk?</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>What can I do if my partner doesn\'t want to want, but I do?</h3>\r\nAsk yourself this question before figuring it out: What does it say <em><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>about you</strong> </span></em>that you chose to remain with a partner that doesn\'t want to want [you]? If you feel that you\'ve really put some effort into this relationship and you\'ve been acting like a desirable partner should, then maybe you have to ask yourself if you still want this person and this relationship.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-09-17 18:59:03', '2018-09-17 16:59:03', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/09/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(461, 2, '2018-09-18 19:44:31', '2018-09-18 17:44:31', '', 'wanting to be desired', 'photographer: nathan-mcbride', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'nathan-mcbride-462758-unsplash-min', '', '', '2018-09-18 19:45:15', '2018-09-18 17:45:15', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/09/nathan-mcbride-462758-unsplash-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(462, 2, '2018-09-18 19:45:19', '2018-09-18 17:45:19', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). These positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">want to be wanted</span> by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them.\r\n\r\nTo avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse in return.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. <strong>They just don\'t want to want</strong>. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about desiring someone as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.\r\n<h3>How can you want to want and not just want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other. You take the risk of wanting more than your partner. You don\'t seek sex to gain validation but to show who you are.\r\n\r\nWhen your spouse doesn\'t share the same desire then you, it doesn\'t feel like a rejection of self. You don\'t get angry or feel hurt, you accept that they don\'t share at that particular moment the same desire as you. If your partner doesn\'t want to eat the same food as you at the restaurant or watch the same movie or read the same book...do you feel rejected or hurt? Most likely not! So why get so upset that they don\'t want to have sex that night? Why is your partner\'s lack of sexual desire a reflection of your level of desirability?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li><strong>Do you feel that your sexual advances are inviting?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are your offering something or just taking?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Would you have sex with yourself?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you an enjoyable sexual partner?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you predictable or creative in your sexual overture and style?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>When is the last time you took a risk?</strong></li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>What can I do if my partner doesn\'t want to want, but I do?</h3>\r\nAsk yourself this question before figuring it out: What does it say <em><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>about you</strong> </span></em>that you chose to remain with a partner that doesn\'t want to want [you]? If you feel that you\'ve really put some effort into this relationship and you\'ve been acting like a desirable partner should, then maybe you should ask yourself if you still want this person and this relationship.\r\n\r\nThis is a very hard decision to put into action especially in certain circumstances and in very long-term relationships where you invested a lot. You may also choose to stay in the relationship knowing you are with a person who doesn\'t want to want. No matter what your choice is, you are the one who lives with the consequences and you can sometimes only choose one of the options.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-09-18 19:45:19', '2018-09-18 17:45:19', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/09/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(463, 2, '2018-09-18 19:51:56', '2018-09-18 17:51:56', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner (HDP)</a> and a l<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">ow desire partner (LDP)</a>. These <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\">positions in the dynamic</a> play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">want to be wanted</span> by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them.\r\n\r\nTo avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/sex-like-climbing-mountain-top.html\">pity sex</a>.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse in return.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. <strong>They just don\'t want to want</strong>. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about desiring someone as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\">It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.</a>\r\n<h3>How can you want to want and not just want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other. You take the risk of wanting more than your partner. You don\'t seek sex to gain validation but to show who you are.\r\n\r\nWhen your spouse doesn\'t share the same desire then you, it doesn\'t feel like a rejection of self. You don\'t get angry or feel hurt, you accept that they don\'t share at that particular moment the same desire as you. If your partner doesn\'t want to eat the same food as you at the restaurant or watch the same movie or read the same book...do you feel rejected or hurt? Most likely not! So why get so upset that they don\'t want to have sex that night? Why is your partner\'s lack of sexual desire a reflection of your level of desirability?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li><strong>Do you feel that your sexual advances are inviting?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are your offering something or just taking?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Would you have sex with yourself?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you an enjoyable sexual partner?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you predictable or creative in your sexual overture and style?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>When is the last time you took a risk?</strong></li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>What can I do if my partner doesn\'t want to want, but I do?</h3>\r\nAsk yourself this question before figuring it out: What does it say <em><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>about you</strong> </span></em>that you chose to remain with a partner that doesn\'t want to want [you]? If you feel that you\'ve really put some effort into this relationship and you\'ve been acting like a desirable partner should, then maybe you should ask yourself if you still want this person and this relationship.\r\n\r\nThis is a very hard decision to put into action especially in certain circumstances and in very long-term relationships where you invested a lot. You may also choose to stay in the relationship knowing you are with a person who doesn\'t want to want. No matter what your choice is, you are the one who lives with the consequences and you can sometimes only choose one of the options.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-09-18 19:51:56', '2018-09-18 17:51:56', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/09/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(464, 2, '2018-09-18 19:58:14', '2018-09-18 17:58:14', '<h1>The politics of sexual desire</h1>\r\nEveryone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don\'t find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning and judgment.\r\n\r\nOn the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn\'t the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from others.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>\r\nInevitably in a relationship, there will be a <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/getting-yourself-together-promotes-sexual-desire.html\">high desire partner (HDP)</a> and a l<a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-sex.html\">ow desire partner (LDP)</a>. These <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/different-levels-of-sexual-desire-between-partners-in-a-couple.html\">positions in the dynamic</a> play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">want to be wanted</span> by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we\'ve been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them.\r\n\r\nTo avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get more validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis, outside and during sex.\r\n\r\nThe LDP basically controls their spouse\'s self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><em><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/04/sex-like-climbing-mountain-top.html\">pity sex</a>.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse in return.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>\r\nPeople are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. <strong>They just don\'t want to want</strong>. When the HDP doesn\'t need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nSometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn\'t initiate as often or has completely stopped, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that their partner initiates to often. To reel back the HDP into the dynamic, the LDP will start having sex. If the HDP hasn\'t gained enough maturity yet and is still needing to be wanted, the dynamic will start back again. The LDP will slowly lose their desire again because the HDP still needs to be wanted.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Wanting to want</h3>\r\nTruly having sexual desire comes from a space of fullness, not emptiness. Most people and our society talk about desire as though they are lacking something. That they need to take or be given something (e.g. the LDP gives sex to the HDP). Rarely do we hear people talk about desiring someone as giving to another. Sometimes spouses reward each other\'s good behavior with sex. If the HDP is nice enough, their spouse will give them the sex they want. <a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2016/07/getting-stuck-in-a-sexual-routine.html\">It is an economic exchange in what people call a loving relationship.</a>\r\n<h3>How can you want to want and not just want to be wanted?</h3>\r\nWanting to want comes from giving yourself to the other, not being used, like a lot of LDP\'s do in their relationship. You self-disclosure during sex your emotions, your sexual fantasies, your fears, your insecurities and your hang-ups. You become authentic and maintain your integrity in the face of rejection and lack of validation from the other. You take the risk of wanting more than your partner. You don\'t seek sex to gain validation but to show who you are.\r\n\r\nWhen your spouse doesn\'t share the same desire then you, it doesn\'t feel like a rejection of self. You don\'t get angry or feel hurt, you accept that they don\'t share at that particular moment the same desire as you. If your partner doesn\'t want to eat the same food as you at the restaurant or watch the same movie or read the same book...do you feel rejected or hurt? Most likely not! So why get so upset that they don\'t want to have sex that night? Why is your partner\'s lack of sexual desire a reflection of your level of desirability?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li><strong>Do you feel that your sexual advances are inviting?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you offering something interesting or just taking?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Would you have sex with yourself?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you an enjoyable sexual partner?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>Are you predictable or creative in your sexual overture and style?</strong></li>\r\n 	<li><strong>When is the last time you took a risk?</strong></li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>What can I do if my partner doesn\'t want to want, but I do?</h3>\r\nAsk yourself this question before figuring it out: What does it say <em><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>about you</strong> </span></em>that you chose to remain with a partner that doesn\'t want to want [you]? If you feel that you\'ve really put some effort into this relationship and you\'ve been acting like a desirable partner should, then maybe you should ask yourself if you still want this person and this relationship.\r\n\r\nThis is a very hard decision to put into action especially in certain circumstances and in very long-term relationships where you invested a lot. You may also choose to stay in the relationship knowing you are with a person who doesn\'t want to want. No matter what your choice is, you are the one who lives with the consequences and you can sometimes only choose one of the options.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'I want to be wanted!', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '455-revision-v1', '', '', '2018-09-18 19:58:14', '2018-09-18 17:58:14', '', 455, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2018/09/455-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(468, 2, '2019-03-09 20:15:23', '2019-03-09 19:15:23', '', 'couple love', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'couple-love', '', '', '2019-03-09 20:15:23', '2019-03-09 19:15:23', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/03/couple-love.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(505, 2, '2019-12-11 14:57:23', '2019-12-11 13:57:23', '<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3518949513430806999#video16\"><span style=\"font-size: x-large;\"> </span></a></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2015/03/webseries-maintaining-sexual-desire-part-3.html#video16\"><span style=\"font-size: x-large;\">Patterns between Low Desire Partner &amp; High Desire Partner</span></a></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-size: x-large;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2015/03/webseries-maintaining-sexual-desire-part-3.html#video17\">Different types of alliances in couples</a></span></div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-size: x-large;\"><a href=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2015/03/webseries-maintaining-sexual-desire-part-3.html#video18\">Do you really want to change?</a></span></div>\r\nThere will always be a partner who<big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big><big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big><big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big> has more sexual desire than the other. The way<big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big> <big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big><big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big>you <big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big><big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big>will manage that difference will have a tremendous impact on each partner’s desire and the pleasure you will get out of sex. Ch<big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big>anging our <big style=\"background-color: white; color: #575757; font-family: verdana; line-height: 16.533332824707px; text-align: justify;\"></big>relationship patterns is a hard thing to do. Nevertheless, the effort that is necessary to change can bring us great joy and closeness with our partner.\r\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup\"><form id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" class=\"validate\" action=\"//sexcoupletherapy.us8.list-manage.com/subscribe/post?u=b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d&amp;id=fd88d57b31\" method=\"post\" name=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" novalidate=\"novalidate\" target=\"_blank\">\r\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup_scroll\">\r\n<h2>Subscribe to our mailing list to receive notice of FREE videos on sexuality</h2>\r\n<div class=\"indicates-required\"><span class=\"asterisk\">*</span> indicates required</div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-EMAIL\">Email Address <span class=\"asterisk\">*</span>\r\n</label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-EMAIL\" class=\"required email\" name=\"EMAIL\" type=\"email\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-FNAME\">First Name </label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-FNAME\" name=\"FNAME\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-LNAME\">Last Name </label>\r\n<input id=\"mce-LNAME\" name=\"LNAME\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div id=\"mce-responses\" class=\"clear\"></div>\r\n<!-- real people should not fill this in and expect good things - do not remove this or risk form bot signups-->\r\n<div style=\"left: -5000px; position: absolute;\"><input tabindex=\"-1\" name=\"b_b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d_fd88d57b31\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" /></div>\r\n<div class=\"clear\"><input id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe\" class=\"button\" name=\"subscribe\" type=\"submit\" value=\"Subscribe\" /></div>\r\n</div>\r\n</form></div>\r\n<div></div>\r\n<!--End mc_embed_signup-->\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https://www.blogger.com/null\" name=\"video16\">Patterns between Low Desire Partner &amp; High Desire Partner </a></h3>\r\n<div style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"></div>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><iframe src=\"https://www.youtube.com/embed/I_2lkXybX7g\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"></iframe></p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><form action=\"https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr\" method=\"post\" target=\"_top\">\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><input name=\"cmd\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"_s-xclick\" />\r\n<input name=\"hosted_button_id\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"K4SLU4ZGSDUYL\" /></div>\r\n</form></div>\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\">Change the way you perceive and manage different levels of sexual desire.</h4>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Are you the high desire partner or low desire partner?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">How are you handling that position in the couple?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Are you tired of not having your needs met?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Do you want your partner to stop pressuring you?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"></div>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https://www.blogger.com/null\" name=\"video17\">Different types of alliances in couples</a></h3>\r\n<div style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"></div>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><iframe src=\"https://www.youtube.com/embed/_RV1zy4LDO0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"></iframe></p>\r\n\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><input name=\"cmd\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"_s-xclick\" /></div>\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\">Handle your relationship\'s conflict differently by viewing your partner and yourself in a more healthy manner.</h4>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">How do you handle differences?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Do you tend to avoid conflicts?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Do you argue a lot with your spouse, but nothing get\'s resolved?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Are you manipulative or easily change your mind, but regret it afterward?</div>\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https://www.blogger.com/null\" name=\"video18\">Do you really want to change?</a></h3>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><iframe src=\"https://www.youtube.com/embed/L9pAribujug\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"></iframe></p>\r\n\r\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\">Changing is hard for anyone, no matter what.</h4>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Are you stuck in a situation that is dissatisfying yet the other outcome doesn\'t seem that great either?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">Are you waiting for your partner to change rather than yourself?</div>\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">\r\n\r\nWhat are you willing to lose if you do change?\r\n\r\n</div>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\">\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\">Francois Renaud M.A.</span></div>\r\n<div lang=\"en-CA\" style=\"line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;\" align=\"JUSTIFY\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt;\"><a href=\"http://www.sexcoupletherapy.com/\">Sex therapist &amp; Psychotherapist Montreal</a></span></div>\r\n</div>', 'Webseries 05: Maintaining Sexual Desire: Managing different levels of Sexual Desire', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '35-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-12-11 14:57:23', '2019-12-11 13:57:23', '', 35, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/12/35-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(506, 2, '2019-12-11 21:30:19', '0000-00-00 00:00:00', '', 'Pressure & rejection: The realities of being in a couple', '', 'draft', 'open', 'open', '', '', '', '', '2019-12-11 21:30:19', '2019-12-11 20:30:19', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=506', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(507, 2, '2019-12-11 21:30:19', '2019-12-11 20:30:19', '', 'Pressure & rejection: The realities of being in a couple', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '506-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-12-11 21:30:19', '2019-12-11 20:30:19', '', 506, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/12/506-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(510, 2, '2020-02-10 22:02:31', '2020-02-10 21:02:31', '<h1>Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in...sexually I mean!</h1>\r\n<h2>You\'ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!</h2>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Roles when having sex</h3>\r\nWe tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: \"Relax, I\'ll take care of you\" when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The GIVING role</h4>\r\nPeople like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to \"<strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">give</span></strong>\" our partners orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a \"good job\", which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of \"failing\" sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.\r\n\r\nThe contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren\'t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were \"giving\" to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"What is happening? Why isn\'t this working? It did last week?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Do they still find me attractive?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness</li>\r\n 	<li>Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn\'t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.</li>\r\n 	<li>Being fearful that your partner just isn\'t enjoying themselves enough</li>\r\n 	<li>Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer</li>\r\n 	<li>Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of going not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)</li>\r\n 	<li>[Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-478 aligncenter\" src=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min-300x199.jpg\" alt=\"oral sex\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">When one receives it, one giveth too</p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The RECEIVING role</h4>\r\nWe could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well...not so much as you might think.\r\n\r\nBeing able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don\'t really feel that valuable.  A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the \"REAL\" thing just to get each other prep up <strong>(By the way, there is no real thing in reality...even though we all know it refers to penetration). </strong>This gives out the impression that oral sex isn\'t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.\r\n\r\nThere is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don\'t get bored (See <strong>inner dialogue</strong> previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner\'s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role.  Have you ever had this thought when someone is getting down on you?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I hard enough?</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Why aren\'t I lubricated enough\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won\'t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they\'re not bored?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don\'t really feel like it, but won\'t that seem selfish?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"She is blowing me because she doesn\'t want to have penetration?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after...I wish we could just have oral sex tonight\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Etc.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWhile we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex</h3>\r\nGIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won\'t have to worry about your enjoyment.</li>\r\n 	<li>Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nRECEIVER:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '490-revision-v1', '', '', '2020-02-10 22:02:31', '2020-02-10 21:02:31', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/02/490-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(489, 2, '2019-08-09 15:53:01', '2019-08-09 13:53:01', '', 'Equity vs. Equality in polyamorous relationships', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '488-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-08-09 15:53:01', '2019-08-09 13:53:01', '', 488, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/08/488-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(490, 2, '2020-02-11 15:04:38', '2020-02-11 14:04:38', '<h1>Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in...sexually I mean!</h1>\r\n<h2>You\'ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!</h2>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Roles when having sex</h3>\r\nWe tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: \"Relax, I\'ll take care of you\" when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The GIVING role</h4>\r\nPeople like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to \"<strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">give</span></strong>\" our partners an orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a \"good job\", which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of \"failing\" sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.\r\n\r\nThe contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren\'t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were \"giving\" to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"What is happening? Why isn\'t this working? It did last week?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Do they still find me attractive?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness</li>\r\n 	<li>Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn\'t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.</li>\r\n 	<li>Being fearful that your partner just isn\'t enjoying themselves enough</li>\r\n 	<li>Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer</li>\r\n 	<li>Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of continuing so as not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)</li>\r\n 	<li>[Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-478 aligncenter\" src=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min-300x199.jpg\" alt=\"oral sex\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">When one receives it, one giveth too</p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The RECEIVING role</h4>\r\nWe could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well...not as much as you might think.\r\n\r\nBeing able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don\'t really feel that valuable.  A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the \"REAL\" thing just to get each other prep up <strong>(By the way, there is no real thing in reality...even though we all know it refers to penetration). </strong>This gives out the impression that oral sex isn\'t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.\r\n\r\nThere is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don\'t get bored (See <strong>inner dialogue</strong> previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner\'s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role.  Have you ever had these thoughts when someone is getting down on you?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I hard enough?</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Why aren\'t I lubricated enough\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won\'t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they\'re not bored?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don\'t really feel like it, but won\'t that seem selfish?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"She is blowing me because she doesn\'t want to have penetration?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after...I wish we could just have oral sex tonight\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Etc.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWhile we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex</h3>\r\nGIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won\'t have to worry about your enjoyment.</li>\r\n 	<li>Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nRECEIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your partner\'s insecurities because you can\'t actually do anything about them.</li>\r\n 	<li>Give yourself the right and personal value that you are worth this gift you are being offered</li>\r\n 	<li>Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than direct them where and how you want them to do it</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just receiving, but you are letting your partner access to your body that they can also enjoy.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nAnd don\'t forget, sex should be fun, not stressful!\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'publish', 'open', 'open', '', 'sex-can-handle-eaten', '', '', '2020-02-11 15:04:38', '2020-02-11 14:04:38', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=490', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(491, 2, '2019-08-09 15:53:31', '2019-08-09 13:53:31', '', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '490-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-08-09 15:53:31', '2019-08-09 13:53:31', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/08/490-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(493, 2, '2019-09-26 16:40:31', '2019-09-26 14:40:31', '', 'open relationship', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'alex-holyoake-370400-unsplash-min', '', '', '2019-09-26 16:40:55', '2019-09-26 14:40:55', '', 488, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/09/alex-holyoake-370400-unsplash-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(494, 2, '2019-09-26 21:58:42', '2019-09-26 19:58:42', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Justice in polyamoury, but in what context?</h1>\r\nSociety is becoming more open about the idea of polyamorous relationships, even though there is still quite a lot of polyamorophobia (a word I just invented). Therefore, I am getting more people in my office seeking help to negotiate the relationship contract. Every couple has some form of understanding about what they consider to be fidelity and hence a relationship contract. Even monogamous relationships have one, but they rarely actively discuss it, which can create issues down the line. Some contracts are explicitly talked about with clauses and articles while others are implicitly implied and assumed by one or both partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Sign with your blood here, please!</h2>\r\nSo you\'ve decided you wanted to open your relationships to the joys of multiple partners. This requires that the couple reflects on their individual needs and desires so that they can reach an agreement as to how this will unfold. We can open the relationship either sexually and/emotionally and you and your partner may not necessarily agree on how open and what you want from this experience or lifestyle you are embarking on.\r\n\r\nContracts can be relatively simple to very complex and ongoing discussions to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid jealousy and possessiveness down the road. Some take a \"Don\'t ask, don\'t tell\" approach which can greatly simplify the discussions but can eventually lead to some mishaps and misunderstandings.\r\n\r\nOne of the dilemmas I keep hitting with my couples in therapy is the debate about equality vs. equity in their agreements. One partner might want to open up only sexually and the other person needs some form of emotional intimacy to engage sexually with a new partner.  Certain couples aren\'t in the same context where one of them is more easily able to find new partners because of different circumstances such as being more desirable and excels in seduction or opportunities to meet new people is easier due to free time or hobbies they might have. There is also a gender difference to consider in heterosexual relationships where presenting to new partners an openness in their relationship might enact different reactions depending on the sexual orientation and gender of theses potential new partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>I\'m comfortable, but wait a minute</h3>\r\nAs needs and desires are different for everyone, this creates negotiations and discussions that aren\'t always easy. Some might want equality in their agreement and others are seeking equity and in some cases, they may want both. What exactly is the difference anyways between the two, you ask?\r\n<h4>Poly-gality</h4>\r\nThe notion that both partners must respect the same rules without taking into considerations individual needs and desires from each partner.\r\n<h4>Poly-quity</h4>', 'Equity vs. Equality in polyamorous relationships', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '488-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-09-26 21:58:42', '2019-09-26 19:58:42', '', 488, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/09/488-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(496, 2, '2019-10-04 21:56:42', '2019-10-04 19:56:42', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Justice in polyamoury, but in what context?</h1>\r\nSociety is becoming more open about the idea of polyamorous relationships, even though there is still quite a lot of polyamorophobia (a word I just invented). Therefore, I am getting more people in my office seeking help to negotiate the relationship contract. Every couple has some form of understanding about what they consider to be fidelity and hence a relationship contract. Even monogamous relationships have one, but they rarely actively discuss it, which can create issues down the line. Some contracts are explicitly talked about with clauses and articles while others are implicitly implied and assumed by one or both partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Sign with your blood here, please!</h2>\r\nSo you\'ve decided you wanted to open your relationships to the joys of multiple partners. This requires that the couple reflects on their individual needs and desires so that they can reach an agreement as to how this will unfold. We can open the relationship either sexually and/emotionally and you and your partner may not necessarily agree on how open and what you want from this experience or lifestyle you are embarking on.\r\n\r\nContracts can be relatively simple to very complex and ongoing discussions to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid jealousy and possessiveness down the road. Some take a \"Don\'t ask, don\'t tell\" approach which can greatly simplify the discussions but can eventually lead to some mishaps and misunderstandings.\r\n\r\nOne of the dilemmas I keep hitting with my couples in therapy is the debate about equality vs. equity in their agreements. One partner might want to open up only sexually and the other person needs some form of emotional intimacy to engage sexually with a new partner.  Certain couples aren\'t in the same context where one of them is more easily able to find new partners because of different circumstances such as being more desirable and excels in seduction or opportunities to meet new people is easier due to free time or hobbies they might have. There is also a gender difference to consider in heterosexual relationships where presenting to new partners an openness in their relationship might enact different reactions depending on the sexual orientation and gender of theses potential new partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>I\'m comfortable, but wait a minute</h3>\r\nAs needs and desires are different for everyone, this creates negotiations and discussions that aren\'t always easy. Some might want equality in their agreement and others are seeking equity and in some cases, they may want both. What exactly is the difference anyways between the two, you ask?\r\n<h4>Poly-gality</h4>\r\nThe notion that both partners must respect the same rules without taking into consideration individual needs and desires from each partner. For many, this rule allows feeling justice in the agreement. Everyone has the same number of partners, dates, style or acts of sex that can be shared and no one feels like they are getting less or more than the other. It avoids the complication of dealing with different needs that might create jealousy for one of the partners. The issue is that it might actually answer one of the partner\'s needs more than the other, which can feel unjust for some. This agreement works great especially if both partners are seeking very similar things in a non-monogamy arrangement.\r\n<h4>Poly-quity</h4>\r\nThe notion that every person\'s needs are taken into consideration during the negotiations even though they might differ or even contradict one another. This typically requires more complex negotiations because one partner may want to have only sexual partners, while the other wants more affection in their extra-conjugal relationships. The issue is that some needs might provoke jealousy or possessiveness or a loss of uniqueness and exclusivity in the relationship. Couples who choose poly-quity need to work more on the level of differentiation and tolerating the uniqueness of each partner\'s needs.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>So...poly-quity or poly-gality</h2>\r\nWell, that really depends on your situation and desires. Not one style is better than the other, but depending on your situation you might want to decide which one fits better. You and your partner may have different circumstances that don\'t allow for the same rules. While other couples will thrive in poly-gality because they both want similar things in their other relationships. We also have to ask ourselves why we instill certain rules and what are the motivations for them. Are we trying to protect the couple and our values by keeping our integrity or are we trying to avoid our insecurities and protecting our egos? Being honest with ourselves and our partners is key to making these negotiations and this life experience enjoyable for all.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'Equity vs. Equality in polyamorous relationships', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '488-revision-v1', '', '', '2019-10-04 21:56:42', '2019-10-04 19:56:42', '', 488, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/10/488-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(497, 2, '2019-10-15 17:33:51', '2019-10-15 15:33:51', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Justice in polyamoury, but in what context?</h1>\nSociety is becoming more open about the idea of polyamorous relationships, even though there is still quite a lot of polyamorophobia (a word I just invented). Therefore, I am getting more people in my office seeking help to negotiate their relationship contract. Every couple has some form of understanding about what they consider to be fidelity and hence a relationship contract.\n\nEven monogamous relationships have one, but they rarely actively discuss it, which can create issues down the line. Some contracts are explicitly talked about with clauses and articles while others are implicitly implied and assumed by one or both partners.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>Sign with your blood here, please!</h2>\nSo you\'ve decided you wanted to open your relationships to the joys of multiple partners. This requires that the couple reflects on their individual needs and desires so that they can reach an agreement as to how this will unfold. We can open the relationship either sexually and/or emotionally and you and your partner may not necessarily agree on how open and what you want from this experience or lifestyle you are embarking on.\n\nContracts can be relatively simple to very complex and ongoing discussions are essential to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid jealousy and possessiveness down the road. Some take a <strong>\"Don\'t ask, don\'t tell\"</strong> approach which can greatly simplify the discussions but can eventually lead to some mishaps and misunderstandings.\n\nOne of the dilemmas I keep hitting with my couples in therapy is the debate about equality vs. equity in their agreements. One partner might want to open up only sexually and the other person needs some form of emotional intimacy to engage sexually with a new partner.  Certain couples aren\'t in the same context where one of them is more easily able to find new partners because of different circumstances such as being more desirable and excels in seduction or opportunities to meet new people is easier due to free time or hobbies they might have. There is also a gender difference to consider in heterosexual relationships where presenting to new partners an openness in their relationship might enact different reactions depending on the sexual orientation and gender of these potential new partners.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h3>I\'m comfortable, but wait a minute</h3>\nAs needs and desires are different for everyone, this creates negotiations and discussions that aren\'t always easy. Some might want equality in their agreement and others are seeking equity and in some cases, they may want both. What exactly is the difference anyways between the two, you ask?\n<h4>Poly-gality</h4>\nThe notion that both partners must respect the same rules without taking into consideration individual needs and desires from each partner. For many, this rule allows feeling justice in the agreement. Everyone has the same number of partners, dates, style or acts of sex that can be shared and no one feels like they are getting less or more than the other. It avoids the complication of dealing with different needs that might create jealousy for one of the partners. The issue is that it might actually answer one of the partner\'s needs more than the other, which can feel unjust for some. This agreement works great especially if both partners are seeking very similar things in a non-monogamy arrangement.\n<h4>Poly-quity</h4>\nThe notion that every person\'s needs are taken into consideration during the negotiations even though they might differ or even contradict one another. This typically requires more complex negotiations because one partner may want to have only sexual partners, while the other wants more affection in their extra-conjugal relationships. The issue is that some needs might provoke jealousy or possessiveness or a loss of uniqueness and exclusivity in the relationship. Couples who choose poly-quity need to work more on their level of differentiation and tolerating the uniqueness of each partner\'s needs.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>So...poly-quity or poly-gality</h2>\nWell, that really depends on your situation and desires. Not one style is better than the other, but depending on your situation you might want to decide which one fits better. You and your partner may have different circumstances that don\'t allow for the same rules. While other couples will thrive in poly-gality because they both want similar things in their other relationships. We also have to ask ourselves why we instill certain rules and what are the motivations for them. Are we trying to protect the couple and our values by keeping our integrity or are we trying to avoid our insecurities and protecting our egos? Being honest with ourselves and our partners is key to making these negotiations and this life experience enjoyable for all.\n\n&nbsp;\n\n&nbsp;\n\n&nbsp;\n\n&nbsp;\n\n<hr />\n\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\n\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'Equity vs. Equality in polyamorous relationships', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '488-autosave-v1', '', '', '2019-10-15 17:33:51', '2019-10-15 15:33:51', '', 488, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2019/10/488-autosave-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(477, 2, '2019-06-18 19:36:14', '2019-06-18 17:36:14', '', '5d04210ac9e4d6d990ccc23a_girls kissing-min', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', '5d04210ac9e4d6d990ccc23a_girls-kissing-min', '', '', '2019-06-18 19:36:14', '2019-06-18 17:36:14', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04210ac9e4d6d990ccc23a_girls-kissing-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(478, 2, '2019-06-18 19:36:17', '2019-06-18 17:36:17', '', 'oral sex', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', '5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min', '', '', '2020-02-10 21:43:32', '2020-02-10 20:43:32', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(479, 2, '2019-06-18 19:36:19', '2019-06-18 17:36:19', '', '5d04212889e22fe8853526df_how to talk about sex with a new partner-min', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', '5d04212889e22fe8853526df_how-to-talk-about-sex-with-a-new-partner-min', '', '', '2019-06-18 19:36:19', '2019-06-18 17:36:19', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04212889e22fe8853526df_how-to-talk-about-sex-with-a-new-partner-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(480, 2, '2019-06-18 19:36:20', '2019-06-18 17:36:20', '', 'gabby-orcutt-78650-unsplash-min', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'gabby-orcutt-78650-unsplash-min', '', '', '2019-06-18 19:36:20', '2019-06-18 17:36:20', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/gabby-orcutt-78650-unsplash-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
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(483, 2, '2019-06-18 19:36:53', '2019-06-18 17:36:53', '', 'toa-heftiba-493467-unsplash-min', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'toa-heftiba-493467-unsplash-min', '', '', '2019-06-18 19:36:53', '2019-06-18 17:36:53', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/toa-heftiba-493467-unsplash-min.jpg', 0, 'attachment', 'image/jpeg', 0),
(488, 2, '2019-10-04 22:03:01', '2019-10-04 20:03:01', '<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Justice in polyamoury, but in what context?</h1>\r\nSociety is becoming more open about the idea of polyamorous relationships, even though there is still quite a lot of polyamorophobia (a word I just invented). Therefore, I am getting more people in my office seeking help to negotiate their relationship contract. Every couple has some form of understanding about what they consider to be fidelity and hence a relationship contract.\r\n\r\nEven monogamous relationships have one, but they rarely actively discuss it, which can create issues down the line. Some contracts are explicitly talked about with clauses and articles while others are implicitly implied and assumed by one or both partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>Sign with your blood here, please!</h2>\r\nSo you\'ve decided you wanted to open your relationships to the joys of multiple partners. This requires that the couple reflects on their individual needs and desires so that they can reach an agreement as to how this will unfold. We can open the relationship either sexually and/or emotionally and you and your partner may not necessarily agree on how open and what you want from this experience or lifestyle you are embarking on.\r\n\r\nContracts can be relatively simple to very complex and ongoing discussions are essential to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid jealousy and possessiveness down the road. Some take a <strong>\"Don\'t ask, don\'t tell\"</strong> approach which can greatly simplify the discussions but can eventually lead to some mishaps and misunderstandings.\r\n\r\nOne of the dilemmas I keep hitting with my couples in therapy is the debate about equality vs. equity in their agreements. One partner might want to open up only sexually and the other person needs some form of emotional intimacy to engage sexually with a new partner.  Certain couples aren\'t in the same context where one of them is more easily able to find new partners because of different circumstances such as being more desirable and excels in seduction or opportunities to meet new people is easier due to free time or hobbies they might have. There is also a gender difference to consider in heterosexual relationships where presenting to new partners an openness in their relationship might enact different reactions depending on the sexual orientation and gender of these potential new partners.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>I\'m comfortable, but wait a minute</h3>\r\nAs needs and desires are different for everyone, this creates negotiations and discussions that aren\'t always easy. Some might want equality in their agreement and others are seeking equity and in some cases, they may want both. What exactly is the difference anyways between the two, you ask?\r\n<h4>Poly-gality</h4>\r\nThe notion that both partners must respect the same rules without taking into consideration individual needs and desires from each partner. For many, this rule allows feeling justice in the agreement. Everyone has the same number of partners, dates, style or acts of sex that can be shared and no one feels like they are getting less or more than the other. It avoids the complication of dealing with different needs that might create jealousy for one of the partners. The issue is that it might actually answer one of the partner\'s needs more than the other, which can feel unjust for some. This agreement works great especially if both partners are seeking very similar things in a non-monogamy arrangement.\r\n<h4>Poly-quity</h4>\r\nThe notion that every person\'s needs are taken into consideration during the negotiations even though they might differ or even contradict one another. This typically requires more complex negotiations because one partner may want to have only sexual partners, while the other wants more affection in their extra-conjugal relationships. The issue is that some needs might provoke jealousy or possessiveness or a loss of uniqueness and exclusivity in the relationship. Couples who choose poly-quity need to work more on their level of differentiation and tolerating the uniqueness of each partner\'s needs.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h2>So...poly-quity or poly-gality</h2>\r\nWell, that really depends on your situation and desires. Not one style is better than the other, but depending on your situation you might want to decide which one fits better. You and your partner may have different circumstances that don\'t allow for the same rules. While other couples will thrive in poly-gality because they both want similar things in their other relationships. We also have to ask ourselves why we instill certain rules and what are the motivations for them. Are we trying to protect the couple and our values by keeping our integrity or are we trying to avoid our insecurities and protecting our egos? Being honest with ourselves and our partners is key to making these negotiations and this life experience enjoyable for all.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>', 'Equity vs. Equality in polyamorous relationships', '', 'publish', 'open', 'open', '', 'equity-vs-equality-polyamorous-relationships', '', '', '2019-10-15 17:34:57', '2019-10-15 15:34:57', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=488', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(511, 2, '2020-02-10 22:06:15', '2020-02-10 21:06:15', '<h1>Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in...sexually I mean!</h1>\r\n<h2>You\'ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!</h2>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Roles when having sex</h3>\r\nWe tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: \"Relax, I\'ll take care of you\" when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The GIVING role</h4>\r\nPeople like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to \"<strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">give</span></strong>\" our partners orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a \"good job\", which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of \"failing\" sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.\r\n\r\nThe contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren\'t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were \"giving\" to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"What is happening? Why isn\'t this working? It did last week?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Do they still find me attractive?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness</li>\r\n 	<li>Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn\'t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.</li>\r\n 	<li>Being fearful that your partner just isn\'t enjoying themselves enough</li>\r\n 	<li>Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer</li>\r\n 	<li>Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of going not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)</li>\r\n 	<li>[Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-478 aligncenter\" src=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min-300x199.jpg\" alt=\"oral sex\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">When one receives it, one giveth too</p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The RECEIVING role</h4>\r\nWe could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well...not so much as you might think.\r\n\r\nBeing able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don\'t really feel that valuable.  A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the \"REAL\" thing just to get each other prep up <strong>(By the way, there is no real thing in reality...even though we all know it refers to penetration). </strong>This gives out the impression that oral sex isn\'t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.\r\n\r\nThere is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don\'t get bored (See <strong>inner dialogue</strong> previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner\'s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role.  Have you ever had this thought when someone is getting down on you?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I hard enough?</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Why aren\'t I lubricated enough\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won\'t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they\'re not bored?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don\'t really feel like it, but won\'t that seem selfish?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"She is blowing me because she doesn\'t want to have penetration?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after...I wish we could just have oral sex tonight\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Etc.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWhile we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex</h3>\r\nGIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won\'t have to worry about your enjoyment.</li>\r\n 	<li>Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nRECEIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your partner\'s insecurities because you can\'t actually do anything about them.</li>\r\n 	<li>Give yourself the right and personal value that you are worth this gift you are being offered</li>\r\n 	<li>Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than direct them where and how you want them to do it</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just receiving, but you are letting your partner access to your body that they can also enjoy.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nAnd don\'t forget, sex should be fun, not stressful!\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '490-revision-v1', '', '', '2020-02-10 22:06:15', '2020-02-10 21:06:15', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/02/490-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(512, 2, '2020-02-11 15:03:18', '2020-02-11 14:03:18', '<h1>Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in...sexually I mean!</h1>\r\n<h2>You\'ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!</h2>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Roles when having sex</h3>\r\nWe tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: \"Relax, I\'ll take care of you\" when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The GIVING role</h4>\r\nPeople like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to \"<strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">give</span></strong>\" our partners an orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a \"good job\", which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of \"failing\" sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.\r\n\r\nThe contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren\'t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were \"giving\" to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"What is happening? Why isn\'t this working? It did last week?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Do they still find me attractive?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness</li>\r\n 	<li>Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn\'t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.</li>\r\n 	<li>Being fearful that your partner just isn\'t enjoying themselves enough</li>\r\n 	<li>Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer</li>\r\n 	<li>Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of continuing so as not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)</li>\r\n 	<li>[Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-478 aligncenter\" src=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min-300x199.jpg\" alt=\"oral sex\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">When one receives it, one giveth too</p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The RECEIVING role</h4>\r\nWe could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well...not as much as you might think.\r\n\r\nBeing able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don\'t really feel that valuable.  A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the \"REAL\" thing just to get each other prep up <strong>(By the way, there is no real thing in reality...even though we all know it refers to penetration). </strong>This gives out the impression that oral sex isn\'t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.\r\n\r\nThere is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don\'t get bored (See <strong>inner dialogue</strong> previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner\'s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role.  Have you ever had these thoughts when someone is getting down on you?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I hard enough?</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Why aren\'t I lubricated enough\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won\'t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they\'re not bored?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don\'t really feel like it, but won\'t that seem selfish?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"She is blowing me because she doesn\'t want to have penetration?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after...I wish we could just have oral sex tonight\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Etc.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWhile we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex</h3>\r\nGIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won\'t have to worry about your enjoyment.</li>\r\n 	<li>Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nRECEIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your partner\'s insecurities because you can\'t actually do anything about them.</li>\r\n 	<li>Give yourself the right and personal value that you are worth this gift you are being offered</li>\r\n 	<li>Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than direct them where and how you want them to do it</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just receiving, but you are letting your partner access to your body that they can also enjoy.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nAnd don\'t forget, sex should be fun, not stressful!\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '490-revision-v1', '', '', '2020-02-11 15:03:18', '2020-02-11 14:03:18', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/02/490-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0);
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(513, 2, '2020-02-11 15:04:25', '2020-02-11 14:04:25', '<h1>Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in...sexually I mean!</h1>\r\n<h2>You\'ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!</h2>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>Roles when having sex</h3>\r\nWe tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: \"Relax, I\'ll take care of you\" when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The GIVING role</h4>\r\nPeople like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to \"<strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">give</span></strong>\" our partners an orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a \"good job\", which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of \"failing\" sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.\r\n\r\nThe contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren\'t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were \"giving\" to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"What is happening? Why isn\'t this working? It did last week?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Do they still find me attractive?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness</li>\r\n 	<li>Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn\'t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.</li>\r\n 	<li>Being fearful that your partner just isn\'t enjoying themselves enough</li>\r\n 	<li>Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer</li>\r\n 	<li>Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of continuing so as not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)</li>\r\n 	<li>[Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-478 aligncenter\" src=\"http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2019/06/5d04219a5b89169d1dbd869a_talk-about-sex-min-300x199.jpg\" alt=\"oral sex\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" />\r\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">When one receives it, one giveth too</p>\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h4>The RECEIVING role</h4>\r\nWe could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well...not as much as you might think.\r\n\r\nBeing able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don\'t really feel that valuable.  A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the \"REAL\" thing just to get each other prep up <strong>(By the way, there is no real thing in reality...even though we all know it refers to penetration). </strong>This gives out the impression that oral sex isn\'t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.\r\n\r\nThere is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don\'t get bored (See <strong>inner dialogue</strong> previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner\'s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role.  Have you ever had these thoughts when someone is getting down on you?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I hard enough?</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Why aren\'t I lubricated enough\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won\'t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they\'re not bored?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don\'t really feel like it, but won\'t that seem selfish?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"She is blowing me because she doesn\'t want to have penetration?\"</li>\r\n 	<li>\"He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after...I wish we could just have oral sex tonight\"</li>\r\n 	<li>Etc.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWhile we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<h3>SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex</h3>\r\nGIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques</li>\r\n 	<li>Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won\'t have to worry about your enjoyment.</li>\r\n 	<li>Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nRECEIVER:\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Ignore your partner\'s insecurities because you can\'t actually do anything about them.</li>\r\n 	<li>Give yourself the right and personal value that you are worth this gift you are being offered</li>\r\n 	<li>Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than direct them where and how you want them to do it</li>\r\n 	<li>Realize that you aren\'t just receiving, but you are letting your partner access to your body that they can also enjoy.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\nAnd don\'t forget, sex should be fun, not stressful!\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n\r\n<hr />\r\n\r\n<img class=\"size-medium wp-image-2856 alignleft\" src=\"http://montreal.lesexologue.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/07/IMG_0199-e1500512222567-300x169.jpg\" alt=\"sexologue montreal\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\" />\r\n<h5><a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com\">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></h5>\r\n<h6>Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist Montreal</h6>\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/therapie/couple-therapy/\">Specialized in couple\'s and sex therapy</a>\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http://sexcoupletherapy.com/about/\">About the author</a>\r\n\r\n&nbsp;', 'Sex: Can you handle being eaten out?', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '490-revision-v1', '', '', '2020-02-11 15:04:25', '2020-02-11 14:04:25', '', 490, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/02/490-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(517, 2, '2020-04-06 18:45:51', '0000-00-00 00:00:00', '1) Individually write down what you want from this open relationship\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- individually or/and as a couple</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- with women or men</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Why or why not?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- With whom and who is excluded</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Why or why  not?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Frequency and significance of extra-marital relationships:</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I see the person multiple times</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have dates with them or only sleep with them</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- What am I allowed to do with them sexually</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have emotional or romantic feelings for them</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Etc.</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Level of Transparency: </b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">When does my partner need to know about this person?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Initially attracted</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- When something might happen</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- When I want to make a move</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- After the fact or before</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- How much do I want to divulge to my partner</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- How much does my partner want to know</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have a veto on my partner partner’s</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Do I want my partner to have a veto on my partner’s</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Do our extra-conjugale partners need to know about our arrangement?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Do I want equity (different rules depending on individual needs) or equality (same rules for both)?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">How do we manage a discrepancy?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"> Ex: one partner is able to have partners more easily</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- One needs to date multiple times a partner before they can have sex with them while the other doesn’t?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Why do I want theses rules</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Are they flexible</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Are they based on insecurities? If so which ones? What am I going to do about my insecurity? (This is where you need to be honest with yourself more than with your partner)</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">2) Show each other’s rules</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find the middle grounds  you already have</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find the differences and express how you feel about a rule you want or the rule the other one wants to have</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find where you disagree or feel a rule isn’t fair or equal</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Rules to follow when having the exchange:</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Don’t get frustrated or insulted by the other persons rules or choices</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Try to understand why the rule is there and show compassion for insecurities</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Self-confront your insecurities rather than impose them as rules for the other person to follow</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Avoid assumptions, but question each other on your perceptions</div>', 'How to discuss open relationship/polyaffectionate/polyamorous contracts', '', 'draft', 'open', 'open', '', '', '', '', '2020-04-06 18:45:51', '2020-04-06 16:45:51', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=517', 0, 'post', '', 0),
(518, 2, '2020-04-06 18:45:51', '2020-04-06 16:45:51', '1) Individually write down what you want from this open relationship\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- individually or/and as a couple</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- with women or men</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Why or why not?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- With whom and who is excluded</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Why or why  not?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Frequency and significance of extra-marital relationships:</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I see the person multiple times</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have dates with them or only sleep with them</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- What am I allowed to do with them sexually</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have emotional or romantic feelings for them</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Etc.</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Level of Transparency: </b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">When does my partner need to know about this person?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Initially attracted</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- When something might happen</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- When I want to make a move</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- After the fact or before</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- How much do I want to divulge to my partner</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- How much does my partner want to know</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Can I have a veto on my partner partner’s</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Do I want my partner to have a veto on my partner’s</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Do our extra-conjugale partners need to know about our arrangement?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Do I want equity (different rules depending on individual needs) or equality (same rules for both)?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">How do we manage a discrepancy?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"> Ex: one partner is able to have partners more easily</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- One needs to date multiple times a partner before they can have sex with them while the other doesn’t?</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Why do I want theses rules</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Are they flexible</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Are they based on insecurities? If so which ones? What am I going to do about my insecurity? (This is where you need to be honest with yourself more than with your partner)</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">2) Show each other’s rules</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find the middle grounds  you already have</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find the differences and express how you feel about a rule you want or the rule the other one wants to have</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">Find where you disagree or feel a rule isn’t fair or equal</div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"><b class=\"\">Rules to follow when having the exchange:</b></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\"></div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Don’t get frustrated or insulted by the other persons rules or choices</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Try to understand why the rule is there and show compassion for insecurities</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Self-confront your insecurities rather than impose them as rules for the other person to follow</div>\r\n<div class=\"\">- Avoid assumptions, but question each other on your perceptions</div>', 'How to discuss open relationship/polyaffectionate/polyamorous contracts', '', 'inherit', 'closed', 'closed', '', '517-revision-v1', '', '', '2020-04-06 18:45:51', '2020-04-06 16:45:51', '', 517, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/04/517-revision-v1.html', 0, 'revision', '', 0),
(521, 2, '2020-09-27 20:23:37', '2020-09-27 18:23:37', '', 'Counseling', '', 'publish', 'closed', 'closed', '', 'counseling', '', '', '2020-09-27 20:23:37', '2020-09-27 18:23:37', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/09/counseling.html', 3, 'nav_menu_item', '', 0),
(525, 2, '2020-10-18 14:53:26', '2020-10-18 12:53:26', '', 'Screen Shot 2020-10-18 at 12.46.53 AM', '', 'inherit', 'open', 'closed', '', 'screen-shot-2020-10-18-at-12-46-53-am', '', '', '2020-10-18 14:53:41', '2020-10-18 12:53:41', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2020/10/Screen-Shot-2020-10-18-at-12.46.53-AM.png', 0, 'attachment', 'image/png', 0),
(527, 2, '2020-10-18 14:59:07', '2020-10-18 12:59:07', '', 'Media Interviews', '', 'publish', 'closed', 'closed', '', 'media-interviews', '', '', '2020-10-18 14:59:07', '2020-10-18 12:59:07', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2020/10/media-interviews.html', 10, 'nav_menu_item', '', 0),
(530, 2, '2020-11-13 14:58:00', '0000-00-00 00:00:00', '', 'Auto Draft', '', 'auto-draft', 'open', 'open', '', '', '', '', '2020-11-13 14:58:00', '0000-00-00 00:00:00', '', 0, 'http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/?p=530', 0, 'post', '', 0);

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-- Structure de la table `sle_3_redirection_404`
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