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<h4 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i><b>The underlying issue in couples*</b></i></span></span></span></h4>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Couples fight and it's always going to be that way, it's inevitable. It's not the most fun thing to do with the love of our life. We would all prefer that we all get along and we live happily ever after. Unfortunately and fortunately that is not how it works. People can't agree on everything especially when it's truly important to who we are and how we act. Our sense of self or commonly know as our identity plays a huge role in our romantic relationships. We can't always agree to disagree with our partner, because sometimes you only have one choice, you have to choose and you need to put aside the other choice. Sacrifices are needed in relationships and these tend to create lots of arguments in relationships. </span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Couples have conflicts on a regular basis and that is totally fine. What really matters is how you deal with them. It's not rare to find partners in a battle on a specific subject which neither of them wants to be wrong about or wants to let go of their point of view of the situation. They are both emotionally attached to their perception of the situation and each contradicts the other ones. This is called <b>emotional gridlock! </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The symptoms of this are the following:</span></span></span></div>
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 	<li lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Repetitive arguments</li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">quickly get frustrated about a topic or argument</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Feelings of being misunderstood</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Thinking that we are entirely right and their entirely wrong</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Not reflecting on what the other is saying, but of our next argument</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Our only goal is to prove our point and be right</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ignoring the other person to hurt feelings</span></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">and the list goes on!</span></span></li>
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<div style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UGEs5b3ZShk/UbvOb_ikoUI/AAAAAAAAAKw/b2LPBrlkK7M/s1600/iStock_000019759343XSmall.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UGEs5b3ZShk/UbvOb_ikoUI/AAAAAAAAAKw/b2LPBrlkK7M/s320/iStock_000019759343XSmall.jpg" width="320" height="212" border="0" /></a></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">What emotional gridlock can feel like sometimes</span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Most will say that there is </span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2012/12/couples-communication-issues-or-unable.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">missing or lacking communication, which is false</a></span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">. Partners understand each other very well in theses situations, as they've been repeating each other over and over again. Each of them could repeat by heart what their partner's arguments word for word. </span><u><span style="font-weight: normal;">They just don't agree with them</span></u><span style="font-weight: normal;">. This is where the emotional gridlock plays a huge role. If one of them had to agree with the other, they would have to change who they are as a person or their perspective of themselves, which affects their sense of self. In other words, it's a battle of their integrity. </span></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">They are also avoiding at the same time making a decision about their situation. They are facing what we call a </span><u><span style="font-weight: normal;">2 choice dilemma</span></u><span style="font-weight: normal;">: Having to choose between two opposing circumstances which obliges the loss of the advantages of the one that isn't chosen. So we can understand why each partner is holding on to their end of the blanket. </span></span></span></div>
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<h3><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Do We Get Out of The Emotional Gridlock</b></span></span></h3>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This is where things get really hard for the couple and when at least <u>one </u>partner needs to have a strong <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">4 points of balance</a></span> to get pass the dilemma that the couple is facing. It requires a lot of maturity, a capacity to self-confront, to accept half-truths, to avoid holding a grudge, to grow and change as a person. It's important not to mistake this for a compromise or a lack of integrity, but a complete change in the dynamic of the couple. It only takes one partner to do it and that is why it's actually so hard. It leaves the one that does change completely vulnerable, as they are openly admitting they didn't have the entire truth and they are losing their choice in the dilemma. They went beyond their emotions and saw further than their own needs. They took a chance to grow as a person and they grasp it, even though it could have backfired on them. </span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional gridlock is the battle of the wills of a couple, of each individual's integrity and sense of self (identity). It takes a lot of courage for a person to come out of that in a way that they are not losing who they are, but becoming someone better. </span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Productive Conflicts</b></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Romantic relationships have the capacity to bring the worse in people, but it also allows to bring the best in each partner as well. It's undeniable that staying with the same person for a long time is going to bring challenges. Each individual has choices that they can make. One of them is showing the best of themselves and growing in the process or they can stay stuck in their emotional gridlock and remain unsatisfied in their relationship. The choice seems obvious, but actually growing and redefining who you are is one of the hardest things a person can achieve in their lives. </span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Francois Renaud M.A.</span></span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><a href="http://www.sexcoupletherapy.com/">Sex therapist &amp; Psychotherapist Montreal</a></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-CA" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Other related articles:</b></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-US" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Redefine your Couple's Dynamic in Sexuality Part 1</a></u></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-US" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-part-2.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Two Very Different Types of Intimacy Part 2</a></u></span></span></div>
<div lang="en-US" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"></div>
<div lang="en-US" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-3.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How Intimacy Affects Sexual Desire Part 3</a></u></span></span></div>
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<div lang="en-US" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The 4 Points of Balance Part 4</a></u></span></span>
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</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch</span></div>