<h2 style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b>How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*</b></span></h2>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="CENTER"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b> </b></span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> There is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all the <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2015/03/different-types-of-sexual-desire.html">other types of desire</a></span> we mentioned in previous articles. It is on the level of <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy.html">intimacy </a></span>that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based for many people on the perception that their partner has of them. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who have stayed at the <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2015/03/different-types-of-sexual-desire-part-ii.html">attachment phase of sexual desire</a></span>. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire. </span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"></div>
<h3 style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b>Self-Validation</b></span></h3>
<div><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b> </b></span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">There are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in long-term relationships. </span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY">

<hr />

</div>
<ul>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><b>Our self-perception or self-esteem</b></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b>Our partner's perception of us </b></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b>The perception we have of our partner</b></span></li>
 	<li lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b>The way we treat and are treated by our partner</b></span></li>
</ul>
&nbsp;

<hr />

<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> These four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long years of living and being together. Following a <span style="background-color: white;">plethora </span>of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and low blows (<span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/04/unhealthy-couple-dynamics.html">Normal Marital Sadism</a></span>) in their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their partner's and their own self-worth. This brings partners to seek for validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable because I can't find myself to be desirable''.</span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"></div>
<div></div>
&nbsp;
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> We often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards one or both partners. This is where <span style="color: #6fa8dc;">alliances </span>between partners in a relationship becomes either <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/03/unhealthy-relationship-patterns.html">collusive,combative or non-existent</a></span>. This difficult transition for couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2014/04/construct-a-healthier-couples-dynamic.html">collaborative alliance</a></span> in the couple. Certain couples are capable of overcoming these normal hardships with their own <span style="background-color: white;">volition</span>and <span style="color: #00dcff;"><a href="http://montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html">emotional balance</a></span>. On the other hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties, insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy. </span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY">

<hr />

</div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"><b style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 150%;">
</b><b style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 150%;">Want to learn more?</b></div>
<h4 style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.com/webvideo_sexuality_sensuality_erotic/">Watch Sensual &amp; Erotic Education webseries!</a></b></span></h4>
<div><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></div>
<div><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></div>
<div><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></div>
<div><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><b> </b></span></div>
<div lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0cm;" align="JUSTIFY"></div>
&nbsp;
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-align: justify;"></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;"></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkwcEustEO4/V6VEeliMAwI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/AJwphVNSI9MePYpL7j2GMkYPfl---AruACLcB/s1600/francois.jpg"><img src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkwcEustEO4/V6VEeliMAwI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/AJwphVNSI9MePYpL7j2GMkYPfl---AruACLcB/s200/francois.jpg" width="185" height="200" border="0" /></a></div>
Learn more about the author

<a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.com/en/pages/about" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Francois Renaud M.A.</a>

</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;"></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">

<hr />

</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;"></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">Want more articles like theses? Subscribe to our monthly newsletter</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;"></div>
<!-- Begin MailChimp Signup Form -->

<style type="text/css">
	#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; }<br />	/* Add your own MailChimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block.<br />	   We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */<br /></style>
<div id="mc_embed_signup"><form id="mc-embedded-subscribe-form" class="validate" action="//sexcoupletherapy.us8.list-manage.com/subscribe/post?u=b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d&amp;id=fd88d57b31" method="post" name="mc-embedded-subscribe-form" novalidate="" target="_blank">
<div id="mc_embed_signup_scroll">
<h2>Subscribe to our mailing list</h2>
<div class="indicates-required"><span class="asterisk">*</span> indicates required</div>
<div class="mc-field-group"><label for="mce-EMAIL">Email Address <span class="asterisk">*</span>
</label>
<input id="mce-EMAIL" class="required email" name="EMAIL" type="email" value="" /></div>
<div class="mc-field-group"><label for="mce-FNAME">First Name </label>
<input id="mce-FNAME" class="" name="FNAME" type="text" value="" /></div>
<div class="mc-field-group"><label for="mce-LNAME">Last Name </label>
<input id="mce-LNAME" class="" name="LNAME" type="text" value="" /></div>
<div id="mce-responses" class="clear"></div>
<!-- real people should not fill this in and expect good things - do not remove this or risk form bot signups-->
<div style="position: absolute; left: -5000px;"><input tabindex="-1" name="b_b99a753a12fded994c86ffc1d_fd88d57b31" type="text" value="" /></div>
<div class="clear"><input id="mc-embedded-subscribe" class="button" name="subscribe" type="submit" value="Subscribe" /></div>
</div>
</form></div>
<script type='text/javascript' src='//s3.amazonaws.com/downloads.mailchimp.com/js/mc-validate.js'></script><script type='text/javascript'>(function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);</script>
<!--End mc_embed_signup-->