<h2 style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm;text-align: center"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*</b></span></span></h2><div align="CENTER" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"> There is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all the <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.com/2015/03/types-of-sexual-desire.html">other types of desire</a></span> we mentioned in previous articles. It is on the level of <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.ca/2013/06/sexual-intimacy.html">intimacy</a></span>that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based for many people on the perception that their partner has of them. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who have stayed at the <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.com/2015/03/type-sexual-desire.html">attachment phase of sexual desire</a></span>. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain  others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire. </span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div><h3 style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>Self-Validation</b></span></span></h3><div><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt">There are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in long term relationships. </span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div><ul><li><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>Our  self-perception or self-esteem</b></span></span></div></li><li><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>Our  partner's perception of us </b></span></span> </div></li><li><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>The  perception we have of our partner</b></span></span></div></li><li><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b>The  way we treat and are treated by our partner</b></span></span></div></li></ul><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"> These four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long years of living and being together. Following a <span style="background-color: white">plethora</span>of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and low blows (<span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.ca/2014/04/unhealthy-couple-dynamics.html">Normal Marital Sadism</a></span>) in their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their partner's and their own self-worth. This bring partners to seek for validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable, because I can't find myself to be desirable''.</span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div><!-- Begin MailChimp Signup Form --><br /><div><div><h2>Subscribe to our mailing list to receive notice of FREE videos on sexuality</h2><div><span>*</span> indicates required</div><div><label for="mce-EMAIL">Email Address  <span>*</span></label> </div><div><label for="mce-FNAME">First Name </label> </div><div><label for="mce-LNAME">Last Name </label> </div><div><div></div><div></div></div><!-- real people should not fill this in and expect good things - do not remove this or risk form bot signups-->    <br /><div></div><div><br /><br /></div></div></div><!--End mc_embed_signup--> <br /><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"> We often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards one or both partners. This is where <span style="color: #6fa8dc">alliances</span>between partners in a relationship becomes either <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.ca/2014/03/unhealthy-relationship-patterns.html">collusive,combative or non-existent</a></span>. This difficult transition for couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.ca/2014/04/construct-healthier-couples-dynamic.html">collaborative alliance</a></span> in the couple. Certain couples are capable of overcoming these normal hardships with their own <span style="background-color: white">volition</span>and <span style="color: #00dcff"><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.blogspot.ca/2013/06/sexual-intimacy-sexual-desire-part-4.html">emotional balance</a></span>. On the other hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties, insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy. </span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><b style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;font-size: 16pt;line-height: 150%"><br /></b><b style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;font-size: 16pt;line-height: 150%">Want to learn more?</b></div><h4 style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.com/en/pages/video_sexuality">Watch Sensual &amp; Erotic Education webseries!</a></b></span></span></h4><div><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-size: 16pt"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div align="JUSTIFY" lang="en-CA" style="line-height: 150%;margin-bottom: 0cm"><br /></div> <br /><div style="line-height: 24px;text-align: justify"></div><div style="text-align: justify"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify"><div style="clear: both;text-align: center"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkwcEustEO4/V6VEeliMAwI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/AJwphVNSI9MePYpL7j2GMkYPfl---AruACLcB/s1600/francois.jpg" style="clear: left;float: left;margin-bottom: 1em;margin-right: 1em"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkwcEustEO4/V6VEeliMAwI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/AJwphVNSI9MePYpL7j2GMkYPfl---AruACLcB/s200/francois.jpg" width="185" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br />Learn more about the author<br /><br /><a href="http://sexcoupletherapy.com/en/pages/about" target="_blank">Francois Renaud M.A.</a></div><div style="text-align: justify">Sex therapist &amp; psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal</div><div style="text-align: justify"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify"><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify">Want more articles like theses? 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