<h1>The politics of sexual desire and the lack of it in long-term relationships</h1>
Everyone wants to be and feel desired by others, as well as loved. Specifically by their spouses, but sometimes other people. <strong>Most people don't find themselves desirable unless someone or others agree with them about their level of desirability.</strong> It is even seen negatively to see oneself as desirable by our society. We perceive it as being full of our selves and vain to find oneself sexually desirable. We always talk that confidence is sexy and attractive, but when someone actually does say it, we always have that crooked look of questioning.

On the other hand, if we speak negatively of ourselves, friends will immediately reassure us that it isn't the case and that we are beautiful and loveable. This indirectly perpetuates that we should not talk positively about ourselves because people frown upon it while putting ourselves down brings validation from other.

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<h2>Wanting to be wanted</h2>
Inevitably in a relationship, there will be a high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP). These positions in the dynamic play a role in the politics of sexual desire. The HDP has more sexual desire, but not necessarily towards their spouse or for sex. <strong>They might actually want to be wanted by their partner, more than desire sex per se.</strong> When we've been refused sex multiple times, most people will start questioning their level of desirability. They might even ask their partners if they are still desirable to them. To avoid any conflict or difficult discussions between partners, the LDP will reassure their HDP partner. This will push the HDP partner to show himself as undesirable so that they can get validation from their LDP spouse. The lack of self-desirability keeps the HDP more and more undesirable and puts more pressure on the LDP to reassure them on a constant basis.

The LDP basically controls their spouse's self-worth and level of desirability. That is because the HDP relies on their lover to give them that validation they so desperately seek. That validation might come from having sex with the HDP, so they actually believe them. <strong>This leads most often to <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em>pity sex.</em></span> </strong>The more pity sex the couple has, the less the LDP desires sex and their spouse.

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<h2>Not wanting to want</h2>
People are generally scared of actually truly wanting their partner. Wanting puts you in a position of vulnerability where you can feel empty if your desire isn't answered or is rejected. Most often the LDP is in this position, but the HDP can also play this role. The LDP feels secured by their HDP partner desiring them more. It creates a sense of constant validation because they also want to be wanted, just like their spouse. They just don't want to want. When the HDP doesn't need to be wanted anymore, this creates anxiety and fears in the LDP that their lover will leave the relationship.

Sometimes the LDP will complain if the HDP doesn't initiate as often or has completely stop, all the while refusing to initiate sex themselves and complaining that they initiate to often.